Valerian is Not Bad: The Art of Corniness

Mike Miller
Jul 28, 2017 · 4 min read

The only way for a box-office bomb to ever have its revenge is through a slowly rebuilt redemption as a cult classic. But little-seen movies do not have the same opportunities as before for this route. In the past, a poor performer would be guaranteed at least one more shot in home video. In the simpler times of one screen in the home, new life could be breathed into such overlooked masterpieces like a Blade Runner or Fight Club because what else was there to do, read a book? But in the modern era of shorter attention spans, peak TV and infinite internet, it seems like ol’-fashioned movies now only get one shot, one weekend, to make or break their legacy. And even then, many films are now cheated by the public’s preconceived speculation and critical reception.

So the logic goes that Valerian will bomb because all savvy prognosticators of financial success have deemed it so. The formula goes: Any movie this weird, with a strange premise, European sensibility, big budget, and relative unknowns has to fail. The math has pre-ordained it. Certainly the misguided decision to release this film after consecutive weeks of Spider-Man, Apes and then head-to-head against Nolan’s (supposed) finest did it no favors. So now the smarmy online hater can rejoice because Valerian did in fact bomb to self-fulfill their prophecies. But in none of the nonsense of box-office prognostication does it ever posit that this movie is somehow a bad one. The hivemind is now brainwashed to proudly connect commercial failure with artistic. So, poor Valerian, we hardly knew ye.

But even the title is a bit of a marketing misstep. Calling the flick Fifth Element 2 might’ve helped people connect the dots, but know that the source material is called Valerian and Laureline for a good reason. The film honors the balanced partnership of its two heroic/romantic leads. In the summer of Wonder Woman, social media would not rush to judge such an egalitarian title, a fine film where the genders are proudly treated as equals.

But what ultimately defines both the appeal or scorn of this project is its peculiar weirdness. Born from a mileu of childish innocence, French romance and old-fashioned swashbuckling, the retro oddity is evidently not hip enough for the modern filmgoer, who wants their characters complex and their sci-fi dystopian. Simply put, some people have an affinity for the odd, and others don’t. The world bemoans the sequelitis infecting the modern blockbuster, yet only unimaginative familiarity like Spider-Man 7 or Beauty and the Beast 3.1 can break the banks. Somewhere apart from the general public are factions of filmdom that either watch too many movies or not enough, and between the carefree veterans or eager youngsters is an audience that can embrace this offbeat spectacle.

Certainly there are its faults. For one, there is far too much stiff dialog, where numerous scenes are composed of static heads speaking to push the plot forward. In fact, the convoluted story should’ve been trimmed down to a more basic premise to better match its lighthearted tone. The double-crosses are surprise tricks are ill-spent feints towards a more adult plot that are unnecessary if not confusing. Some of the acting can be a wee flat from the young leads. And while the effects are largely amazing, there are numerous shots which are rough around the edges.

With those disclaimers out of the way, here is the good stuff: Valerian features several innovative scenes that any true scifi fan should appreciate for their graceful inventiveness. From the opening montage through wild set pieces involving heretofore unexplored riffs on interdimensional travel, shapeshifting or just flat-out bizarre weaponry, aliens and architecture. It’s hard to explain the inventiveness without ruining the unique surprises of the film’s unbridled imagination. In so many ways, the director’s priority is to bombard the viewer with as many awe-inducing reveals akin to walking into the Star Wars cantina for the first time.

Valerian shouldn’t be punished for not having some dense mythology, broken characters, gloomy filters or profound messages that supposedly mark modern blockbusters. Earnest sincerity and whimsical naivete are not things of which to be afraid. The film is simple and fun. Viewers who don’t demand more will receive nothing less. Regardless of its ultimate quality, its difference from the homogenized films of summer alone should be celebrated at all costs. It’s not too late to ignore the snobs and fight the good fight.

Mike Miller

writer, goofball and talker of s#!t at www.MikeMillerVerse.com

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