Healing Intimacy and Sex
Intimacy and sexuality have been on my mind for a while. I wrote this blog a few months ago and I thought it’s appropriate to blow the dust off the blog considering the multiple sex charges against the high-powered men in the entertainment industry. Not only that it triggered my personal intimacy wounds, it also empowers me to take care of myself mentally, emotionally, and psychologically.
After unpacking my personal intimacy wounds, I realized the root of shame about sexuality began back as a young girl. As a young girl, I remembered how my Aunt would cover herself up when she was changing clothes in the front of me. It was the most profound memory I had because I could see the embarrassment on my Aunt’s face and body language.
I also remembered there was a negative energy surrounding our sexual bodies. It was full of shame, taboo, and embarrassment. I do not know why but it was an energy I learned and thought that our sexual bodies were viewed as something unnatural.
Fast-forward to a few weeks ago, it did not hit me that I’ve carried a fear-based condition from my very early sexual experience as 7 years old. I remembered feeling disgusted. I was not sure why but I knew it was not right. The sexual experience was initiated out of curiosity but nothing more than that. However, we went a little further than necessary.
For some reason, my instincts kicked in and find the whole experience as disgusting. It was disgusting that I begged my parents not to let me go on the playdate again. It was pretty fresh in my mind that I really did not want to hang out with him.
One day, I was forced to attend his birthday party. Pretty much, I was kicking and screaming at my Mom to not leave me alone at the party. The whole time at the party I purposely avoided him and gave him the coldest shoulder you can ever imagine.
For more than 27 years, I’ve associated that ‘disgusting’ feeling with sex and intimacy. My friend who pointed it out that it was a condition I’ve carried. It simply meant it was not accurate and learned negative connotation toward sexuality. Every sexual experience I had, I always felt dirty, shame, and guilty afterward because I had a condition dodged in the back of my mind thinking that sex was repulsive.
Unconsciously, I adopted the fear-based perspective towards my sexuality, body, and intimacy. It definitely had a huge impact on my relationship especially when it comes to being intimate. I never felt safe or loved or even warm as shown in the mainstream movies.
It was hard to see that I’ve allowed one early experience impacted my entire relationships. Although the sadness came over me, it was also enlightening me to see what was holding me back from being sexually comfortable in my skin and having a healthy intimate relationship.
Now, the following 3 points might enlighten you whether you might have carry certain condition(s) or not and how have they impact your ideology of healthy intimate relationship. Perhaps you’ve adopted fear-based condition from people around you. Let’s explore.
- Early Memory
Let’s take a trip back to your past and see if you can remember what was your first sexual experience or even the early teachings from a family member share about sex and relationships. Family members were usually the first ‘teacher’ because as children, we looked up to them and held them fondly to our hearts. We looked at them for protection, safety, and comforts when we felt confused or overwhelmed in the new world.
It can be anything from seeing your parents having sex to seeing another family member’s naked body. Do you remember it? If so, was it positive or negative learning? How did you feel? How did the people around you react to the sexual implications?
Don’t worry if it was a negative experience because you can remove it from your subconscious and relearn the positive beliefs about sexuality and intimacy. Using my personal belief, I replaced the ‘disgusting’ sexual experience by associating the intimacy as a physical expression of love towards a loved one and that there is absolutely nothing dirty about sex.
2. First Thoughts and Feelings
What were your first thoughts or feelings after being told that sex is bad and painful, boys/girls are heartbreakers, relationships are always difficult, and/or after your first sexual experience?
For instance, my Father told me as a teen that I should never allow ‘boy’ to lead/seduce me into the bedroom. My immediate thoughts were, “Negative. I see bad. It is very bad to be in a bedroom with a boy.” It was extremely uncomfortable, even though, I tried to shrug it off at my Dad’s lecture but my mind was racing with negative thoughts about sex and bedroom. Actually, I became afraid of the possibility of being in a bedroom with a boy because I thought something bad might have happened.
I’ve carried the first negative impressions and thoughts into my past relationships. I’ve allowed it determine the basis of my relationship as an unsafe, unhealthy, and sex-only relationship. Whether you’re conscious of it or not, your first thoughts and feelings might have influenced your perspectives about intimate relationships.
3. Repetitive Intimate Relationship Patterns
Do you notice that your past relationships had the similar theme? In my past relationships, I immediately became suspicious of the partners’ intentions when they invited me into their bedroom. Many things were running through my mind, “Are they going to try to get in my pants? Why are they asking me to go in their room? What are they doing to me? Is that all they see me as a sexual opportunity?”
Because of the negative teaching, I’ve become wary of men and their intentions when they wanted to be intimate with me. Looking back, I realized my Dad had the best intention but his approach or teaching was not the best method.
My Dad meant to tell me “do not allow the ‘boy’ to fool you into the bedroom because that’s not how you want to find a loving and supportive partner.” I believed his intention was to teach me to not base my relationships on just sex but based on love.
Relearn the Positive and Healthy Perspectives
If you’ve learned that you might have unhealthy perspectives toward relationships, partners, intimacy, and sexuality, you might have carried fear-based conditions but that’s not necessarily bad because you are now aware of the conditions. That’s the first step toward healing the shame surrounding sexuality and intimacy.
As a matter of fact, you are re-learning the positive beliefs about your relations with others platonically or romantically. While our family members might have best or not good intentions, you can assume that they tried their best to their ability and you can also choose not to accept their teachings. Usually, when they teach you about intimacy or sexuality, they might or might not have projected their fear-based conditions.
Do you think they’ve might project their negative perspective? Most likely, yes. Right now, perhaps you are unpacking the learned behaviors and conditions. Then, you can send it back to those people who shared with you.
Now on re-learning the positive and healthy perspective, you’ve achieved the most important first step by being aware of the hidden negative sexual connations in your subconscious.
The next step is to forgive those people who’ve shared their negative perspectives and that you do not have to accept it as your truth. Then, forgive yourself for those past intimate relationships that might have turned out toxic or unhealthy. You did absolutely nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong with you.
Replace the negative sexual teachings with positive and healthy affirmations such as:
Sex is natural.
Sex is fun and healthy.
Sex is important part in building a bond with my partner.
Sex allow me to express my love with my partner.
Sex is a physical expression of love.
Sex is incredible and beautiful.
I love my body.
My body is gorgeous and sexy.
I love my imperfect body.
I love SEX!
I love being intimate with my partner.
Having sex with my partner is a beautiful experience.
You’d have to repeat those affirmations to yourself again and again until you feel your heart chakra expanding. The next time you have the opportunity to be intimate, try to be open mind and see nothing but positive and love.
If you’re still feeling distressed, communicating with your partner, friends, or family members about your concerns can alleviate your stress. It is about you clarifying your boundaries and honoring your sensitivity. Communicating your needs also allow your partner know what you need from them.
You can still have positive sexual experiences in the spite of the past negative sexual experiences and teachings. Sharing your concerns and opening your heart makes a difference in your intimate relationship. As a matter of fact, it will bring you guys closer and a step closer to having a mind-blowing sex.