How To Forget Someone You Once Loved Deeply ?

My eyes were wet, and my heart was pumping hard, standing in the basement of a mall she told me that this is probably the last time we are meeting.

I kept looking at her as she walked way thinking she might turn and look at me, but she never turned back.

An unimaginable pain shot down my spine and muscles. It took me more than year to realise that this was indeed the last meeting, and my eight-year-old relationship finally came to an end.

I spend a lot of time in agony, anger, self-blame and guilt. The pain and guilt were non-stop: while sleeping while driving to the office or even while talking to friends. Just a thought about my past made me fall into the quicksand of time, and my mind kept on telling me what wrong I did, how wrong she was, what all I am missing today, how can I still try to get her back, etc., etc.

Deep down I knew everything was over, and I was fighting a lost battle, all I needed was to forget her, but I couldn’t and that made me miserable

My mind went completely out of control with all the incessant thoughts about my past and negative feelings such as anger and guilt. I wanted to find some way to control it, and that is how I developed an interest in behavioural psychology — Why people behave the way they do and how does out mind work.

I read over 50+ books and thousands of blog posts related to the psychology of human behaviour and how our mind works. The more I read, the more I got interested in digging deeper into this subject.

While reading the books Power of Habits by Charles Duhugg and Power of now by Eckhart Tolle, I got a different view of my problem, and I figured out a way to end this loop of pain and suffering. I named it the Ring Method.

I named it the Ring Method — because of the vicious loop or ring we are trapped in.

Over the years, I tried many mind hacking ideas, Ring method was one most effective technique, in short this method is a different way of thinking that can calm your mind, make you happier and help you move on from your past very fast without wasting months and even years.

I would not have suffered for so long if I had figured out this method earlier. Therefore, I want you to understand and internalise this method so that you don’t suffer further.

This method gave me the much-needed breakthrough to leave my past and be at peace.

I am happy and at peace with my past, with no guilt or anger. I have memories of my past, but that doesn’t effect me at all even if it sometimes does, I know how to fix it.

Sounds impossible? Once you get the Rind method, you will surely say it works!

The Ring Method: This method consist of 3 steps, let me explain it step by step.

Step 1: Understanding the neurological loop

In the book Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg explains that there exist a neurological loop at the core of every habit, the loop consist of a cue or trigger, a routine that follows the trigger and finally the reward that we get. Once the three states occur repeatedly, we form habits.

He explains how a mouse learns a route to his food. In the experiment, the mouse is given a clue, a sound, and the gates of the maze open, the mouse then finds its way to his food. Initially, the mouse takes some time to find his way through the maze, but after doing this multiple times the mouse finds its food quickly, and this becomes its habit.

Sound (Trigger) -> Finding the route (Routine) -> Eating the food (Reward)

When we pass near a Starbucks shop, we smell the freshly made coffee, and instantly we start to crave for it. Even if we didn’t have any plans to have a cup of coffee, we buy it, and we are happy. In fact, Starbucks and other coffee houses try to have more coffee aroma in the stores to drive sales using this habit loop

Smell of coffee (Trigger) ->Buying coffee (Routine) -> Feeling happy/fresh (Reward)

The habit loop can be applied a variety of habits such as like excessive drinking or smoking.

You see people smoking

(Trigger) -> You start smoking (Routine) -> You get a high (Reward)

Step 2: Understand your loop

You are trapped in a never-ending loop or a ring, let me explain your loop in detail.

Your trigger: The moment you get any internal trigger such as thought related to you past or an external trigger such as visiting the same place you visited with you ex. You start remembering your past; you start feeling guilt, fear, anger and frustration of what you have lost.

Experiments have shown that all the triggers fall into one of the following categories, and you are reminded of your past when following types of trigger occurs.

Location Trigger: Whenever you revisit a place that you once visited with your ex you are reminded of your past

Time Trigger: The day of the year when you proposed or any other special day

Emotional State Trigger: You are reminded of your past when you feel alone

Other People Trigger: When you meet common friends

Immediately Preceding Action: You said or did something that reminded you of past

As soon as any one of the trigger occurs you move to your next state — Your routine

Your Routine: Once you experience the above trigger you remember your past and start feeling guilty, sad, angry, frustrated. Negative emotions have tremendous energy and when you experience negative emotion the energy associated with it makes you try to get back to your ex, knowing that it is making things worst. You try to message, call, meet, stalk your ex on Facebook, etc. All such actions are the manifestation of trapped energy in your negative emotions. The more such actions you take in this negative mindset state, the more you fall in a miserable quicksand. Finally you breakdown — you cry and become depressed. You feel you are the victim

Your Reward: Once you are done with your routine of yet another failed attempt to get back to your ex you feel forms of victim mentality, such as self-pity, depression and self-punishment. This self-sabotage becomes a protective reaction which provides an immediate but convoluted form of self-satisfaction. This is your reward.

Trigger->Routine ->Reward — The loop completes and your mind wants more of this reward hence you spend years in pain and suffering knowing that you will not get anything out of this. You do

Therefore, even when you try to do everything to forget someone you loved it doesn’t work. You are unable to move on because you are in a never ending cycle of this neurological loop

Step 3: Change the neurological loop

To forget someone you love and move on from your past you need to intelligently change this loop.

Firstly understand that you cannot simply do away with any thought that comes in from of a trigger. The more you stop your thoughts, the stronger they become.

So you are going to get the triggers in a form of place, time, emotions, etc. as explained above.

The trick is to change the routine to get a reward that your brain wants.

If you can find a better routine that gives you a better form of reward, you will hack your mind, and you will change this loop forever.

I will tell you how.

Your trigger will always show up in one form or the other.

As soon as you get your trigger, your normal routine kicks in you are sad, depressed, angry, and you feel guilty. The reward is a feeling of being a victim and convoluted form of self-satisfaction

Your new routine:

As soon as you get a trigger, hold it there and try this new routine.

Your new routine: Rather than feeling sad and depressed, just think that you have made a sacrifice of your happiness so that he or she is happy. Rather than trying to forget your past or suppress the emotions bring this emotion of sacrifice in your mind.

Psychologists have studied this emotion and concluded that it a higher level of much emotional vibration that affects our body positively.

When you see your loved one happy without you, rather than reacting with anger, guilt and depression, tell yourself that by not being with that person you are giving your loved one the happiness that you always wanted to give.

Even if it comes at the cost of your happiness, because you love that person, and you have made this sacrifice.

Its counter intuitive and you must be thinking it is stupid to sacrifice, and I should be angry, or you might think I cannot do this change in routine because I am depressed, and I cannot fake it.

Then I have an important question for you — Did you ever loved that person? because if you really loved that person you will make this sacrifice of your happiness so that they are happy.

What will you get out of this?

You will get a new reward — A feeling of peace and contentment that you get after you make a genuine sacrifice for someone you love. This feeling is of much higher level than guilt and self-pity

Guess what? Following the above steps, you have changed neurological loop that forever and repeating it few times will bring you out of your past, your depression and unhappiness.

You will improve your life as a whole once you are free from guilt and depression and you will break this loop that was the core reason of your problems and sufferings.

Following this routine, your pain will be reduced, and positivity will be back in your life. Even if you remember your past, it will not harm your present. Slowly as peace settles in you mind you will start forgetting your past, and you will be able to start your life afresh

Slowly as peace settles in you mind you will start forgetting your past and you will be able to start your life afresh.

Do comment below what you feel about this process and if you tried it what challenges you faced and benefits you got.

Next step — Take this neurological quiz that can help you find solution to your problem — Neurological Quiz: Forget Your Past

(Originally published on my website — Ring Method: How To Forget Someone You Love Without Pain)