12 Relationship Red Flags to Look Out For

Minder
Minder
Nov 7 · 5 min read

Bisma Parvez for Minder

One of the most important things to recognize in a relationship or potential relationship are the red flags — the warning signs that make you hesitate and question the validity of something or someone.

If you’re dealing with someone who potentially may be manipulative, extreme or even violent, you want to be able to see those signs and save yourself from a problematic relationship. These behaviors can be found in both women and men.

Here are some things to look for:

Lack of honesty — If you are talking to someone and catch them in a lie, that can be a big issue. Everyone fibs now and then, no one is honest 100% of the time, but if someone lies about a major aspect of their life, their age, their education, their job, their whereabouts then you won’t be able to trust them even as the relationship continues.

Controlling behavior — This one gets tricky, especially with Muslims, where controlling behavior can be confused with religion. While it is good to want to follow the guidelines of Islam, both partners should be moving forward together. It is not okay however, if one partner in the name of religion forces another to do or not to do something. These behaviors often lead to isolation as well. Often, controlling behavior actually has nothing to do with religion and more to do with the person’s personality. If you feel scared to tell your partner where you are going, who you are with because they will be upset, then that is a clear red flag. Working to trust one another is one issue, but if your partner has a problem with everything you do and wants to isolate you, then it’s better to leave that relationship.

Arrogance — There is a specific type of arrogance that can lead to oppressive behavior. It’s not just that someone thinks they are better, but that their title, job, money, name or influence gives them the authority to treat others disrespectfully. This is common in Muslim communities where being a doctor for example can lead to a complex of treating others unfairly. If someone thinks they get to treat others like dirt because they have a title in front of their name, then they will likely do the same to you.

Lack of communication — sometimes people have a hard time opening up and that’s okay. But if you are in a relationship where you’re always left wondering what the other person is thinking and if they are upset, then that will carry on into a marriage.

If there is an issue, you want to be able to work through a problem by discussing it, but if you’re constantly given the silent treatment, that is a sign of emotional insecurity and a way to control you because it forces you to be the one who solves the issue each time.

Double personality — If the person you are with is extremely charismatic to others and or treats you different when you are in public versus in private, then that person can possibly be abusive. Abusive people tend to be very charismatic publicly so that people don’t believe a partner when they report abusive behavior. If you feel like you see two different sides of a person you are talking to and it feels “off,” then trust your gut.

Anger Issues — This is a big one. We all get angry and upset, but how someone deals with that anger is a big indicator with how they will deal with future, bigger problems. It’s okay to be mad and take time, but if your partner blows up and has a temper tantrum every time there is an issue, that behavior is not likely to change; it will only get worse.

Your friends and family don’t like your partner — Sometimes people who know us best can see things that we can’t, because we’re emotionally involved in a relationship. This goes beyond the superficial stuff, like not liking their looks or their job. If your family tells you something seems “off,” then look into what you might be missing.

Interrupters — Someone who constantly has to have the last word or always be right can be extremely manipulative. Lookout for someone who is always putting others’ ideas down, even if its friends, family or colleagues. This person would treat their spouse the same way and invalidate your ideas, thoughts and feelings.

Backbiters — If the person you are with is always putting people down or talking about them behind their back, it shows a very poor character and untrustworthiness. If someone talks bad about someone else, they’re likely to talk bad about you and think they are better than you.

Lack of accountability — No one is perfect but sometimes we run into people who think they are pretty damn close. If the person you’re with has no accountability for bad actions, never admits they make mistakes and always blames others for negative outcomes, this attitude isn’t likely to change in a relationship and you may end up being blamed for everything that goes wrong.

Gaslighting — This is when a person makes you question your feelings, emotions and yourself. If someone is constantly telling you that you are crazy, sensitive or anything else that makes you think that only you are the problem, then they are manipulating you to invalidate your own feelings and not taking any responsibility.

Emotionally Abusive — Abusive behavior isn’t always easy to catch. Physical abuse is never okay, no matter the justification but that one is obvious. Emotional and mental abuse is harder to realize. If someone is constantly putting you down or calling you names that is a sign of emotional abuse. A relationship is based on love and respect, so name-calling is a big warning sign.

It’s important to keep in mind that these red flags are signs for a possible abusive relationship or unstable person. That doesn’t mean if someone lies once or doesn’t admit to a mistake once in a while, they are abusive or horrible. Of course, everyone is human and will get angry, upset or not talk to you for a short period of time to take a break. But if this behavior is common and more like a habit, then that is a sure red flag.

Minder

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Minder

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