How Are You… Really?

Two celebrity suicides this week alone.
Two premature deaths that are gut-wrenching for millions who looked up to Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain’s highly successful and seemingly cheerful public personas.
But we now know the truth.

And the truth is: that’s how Kate and Anthony were branded for public consumption… which is not much different than how millions of people around the world choose to brand themselves on their personal social media pages or in their day-to-day interactions.

Because, the truth is — the HARD truth is — we all brand ourselves in similar ways that deny our authenticity. How many of us start conversations with friends, colleagues and loved ones with “how are you?” only to hear “I’m fine, thanks and you?”

Are you really fine? Or are you having a craptastic day because your brother was just told he has cancer, or you didn’t get that promotion, or your spouse is cheating on you, or you’re being bullied or have been sexually assaulted, or you were up all night worried about your finances? Or maybe you’re having an awful day because your blood sugar is too high, or your anxiety is through the roof, or the depression you’ve been secretly struggling with is whispering insidiously in your head and you’re feeling hopelessly out of control as a result. Or maybe, you’re having a bad day, week, month or year and you simply can’t pinpoint the reason why.

But all you say when asked is “I’m fine, thanks.”

What would it be like instead if we gave ourselves permission to be more authentic?

To admit to the difficult day we’re having?

To allow ourselves to receive the support our loved ones want to show us?

To ask for help?

For only a moment, to admit that we are human beings struggling and needing to put our needs first?

To self-care?

To show ourselves some self-compassion?

What would it be like for us to stop restricting the expression of our authentic selves?

I attended a seminar today that left many of the psychotherapists in the room reeling and reflective. The speaker, a well-known medical doctor, teacher, and author, shared that evidence now show that having a rigid compulsion for duty and responsibility — essentially, not tending to our needs while always serving the needs of others — rather than expressing our authentic selves, is one of the most significant risk factors for illness.

Chew on that next time you are tempted to dismiss your feelings because the story you tell yourself is that you’re too “busy” to schedule that doctor’s appointment.

Or when you attach to your inner narrative that you’re not worthy of the self-care strategies and shifts in perspective that a psychotherapist can teach you.

Or when you think it shows a weakness of character to take prescribed medication to help improve your mental health.

You matter.
You are worthy.
It’s not selfish to take care of your mind, body and spirit.
Ask for help when (not if) you need it. We ALL need it at various moments in our lives. That’s part of the human experience, and guess what? Congratulations! You are human, not a robot. So stop acting like one, assuming that you have to present yourself as anything other than the perfectly imperfect flawed human being that you are. Anything other than a human being having a craptastic day.

Enough with the fake branding.

And for goodness sake — can we all stop answering “I’m fine” when a loved one asks us how our day is? I’ll start… Today was a long day where I struggled with focusing because I didn’t get enough sleep last night because I had way too much on my mind. Heck, I haven’t gotten much sleep since January 5, which was the day my dad passed away right before my eyes. And yes, even though that was months ago, I’m still grieving this loss deeply… Today, my body was achy and my back hurt because I sat for much too long at this conference and because I always hold my emotions in my back. But you know what? Today, I was also grateful because I received some incredible news on the work front. And it was also a good day because I learned so much at the conference I attended. Am I fine? Heck no! I’m a complex human being, and as such, I choose to express my authentic self with many more words than a measly “fine.” I’m worth it, dammit. And so are you.

We need to stop suppressing our needs.
We need to stop suppressing our feelings.
Our TRUE feelings.

So now I ask you all:

• Where, in your life, are you saying yes when what you really want to be saying is a big fat “HELL NAW!”?
• What are you denying yourself when you keep perpetuating this cycle of yesness? What’s the impact of you not saying no? What niggling aches and pains — physical, emotional, or spiritual — are you holding as a result of not expressing yourself authentically?
• What the heck is that about? What are your core beliefs — usually your deepest darkest fears or worries — that are attached to why you’re not giving yourself permission to speak up for yourself?
• Who would you be if you dropped your beliefs?

Two celebrity suicides.
Millions of people left reeling.
Most significantly though, two young daughters — much too young — left deeply mourning the loss of their mommy and daddy.
Those two little girls with life trajectories that are now forever changed by this deep trauma no family should ever have to experience… yet so many millions of families the world over nevertheless do.

Suicides are heartbreaking for those left behind.

If you’re having thoughts of suicide, I beg of you, please tend to your needs and seek professional help now. Tell your loved ones. Practice the self-compassion that YOU DESERVE and take time out for self-care.

There is treatment that can help you.
I know this, not just because I am a psychotherapist who helps my clients through their depressive episodes.
I know this because I too once found myself in the depths of despair one very cold, dark night, about to end my life. I am still here though, tickin’ away like that energizer bunny. No depression in sight. I could never have gotten here today if I hadn’t followed every piece of advice I’ve written here tonight, beginning with telling someone I was feeling actively suicidal. I sought help. Spectacularly actually — barging into my family doctor’s office the next morning, dramatically laying out on her desk the countless bottles of medication she had prescribed to me over time. “YOU HAVE TO BABYSIT THESE,” I told her. “I CANNOT HAVE ALL THESE DRUGS IN MY POSSESSION RIGHT NOW.”
And she listened.

So now I ask you all… how are you… really?

If you are feeling suicidal, please call or visit:

Crisis Services Canada: http://www.crisisservicescanada.ca/

Centre for Suicide Prevention: https://www.suicideinfo.ca/

Toronto Distress Centre: https://www.torontodistresscentre.com/

Centre for Addiction and Mental Health: https://www.camh.ca/en/health-info/crisis-resources

Sandy Kiaizadeh is a Toronto-based registered psychotherapist at Mindful Solutions Clinic who specializes in depression, anxiety, grief, and trauma. For more information about Sandy’s services, please visit www.mindfulsolutionsclinic.com.