People have this mentality of; if you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist. Well, when it does make itself known, people claim you’re just making excuses.
As someone who suffers from mental illnesses, I want to talk about the two worst ones that I have and how hard it is to co-exist with them.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, commonly known as PTSD. I think the most messed up part about having these disorders, is figuring out that the people who were in charge of the environment that I was in knew that I was showing symptoms of these disorders and chose not to do anything about it for their own selfish gain.
Why do I say selfish gain? I was suspended so many times that they sent a letter to my mom about me going to a school for troubled kids and yet I remained in public school. Why? Being suspended so many times, barely learning anything and barely studying; I still managed to score above average on my final exams and even a perfect score.
To my knowledge, my episodes began next to halfway through 6th grade. I was getting bullied by my vice-principal for something I couldn’t control which later revealed to be another disorder. No matter how many times I reported it, it was her word and her power against my word and my power. Which wasn’t much, considering the fact that I was new. Feeling powerless and oppressed, I used as much energy as I could to fight and escape instead of being confined and forced. Her power in the school and her willingness to ignore whenever I got bullied… Made me feel like the time in 3rd grade when this girl, who was obviously large in size, tackled me because she assumed I was insulting her. I wasn’t aware that every time I spoke to the vice-principal that she was triggering me back to times where I felt injustice due to the inability to defend myself. By the end of the year I was known as the “Troublemaker” and it was degrading.
In 7th grade, I secluded myself and went on auto-pilot. However, the rumors about me were so harsh that someone with an even worse mental condition than mine was scared of me. It seemed like everybody hated me for something I couldn’t control and it hurt so bad. All I wanted to do was die. When I would meet up with certain teachers, they would read my file and assume the worst. Yet, when they actually sat down and talked with me, because they worked with special needs, they knew and they tried their hardest to allow me to have at least one small freedom. Having a slip that allows me to leave the class when I need to calm down. After all this embarrassment and humiliation built up, it finally happened. I had a psychotic break. I threatened a teacher and got expelled. Due to the administrators being unable to provide a legitimate reason for my expulsion, they constructed one of those mental test with the blocks and what not. That’s when everybody couldn’t hide it anymore and our school went under investigation.
In 8th grade, I didn’t really last long. I tried so hard to become really good. Then, I was triggered, this Caucasian girl called me a derogatory slur. A lot of the kids that went to my school said my actions were justified because she was being racist. Yet, I’m the one suspended and she gets off scot-free.
Fast Forward some years, I’m being told through a licensed professional what I’m diagnosed with and it just looks bad and it feels even worse. Generalized Anxiety, Social Anxiety Disorder, EDNOS, Severe Depression, Chronic Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, Body Dysmorphia Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Avoidance Personality Disorder and Asperger. (I may be missing a few, but those are what I remember.)
To society, I am a normal functioning person and I shouldn’t get any special treatment. To society, I need to get off my fat ass and stop being so sensitive. To society, if they can’t see it, they don’t recognize it. To society, being bullied and being emotionally abused by peers and “mature” adults doesn’t mean anything. They need physical evidence.
You know what society, fuck you. You know why I don’t follow your rules, because you don’t follow through with your consequences to the people who deserve it. I got orally raped in 7th grade, reported it and you looked at my file and said I deserved it. Because someone as troublesome as me would be on the street somewhere and that you would gleefully tag my body and send it off to a morgue.
I think what Society doesn’t understand. At some point, we can tame all these issues, it may even take a life time, but we will. When we do, we’ll show you and depending on the person you’ll get mercy.
I know when I get enough power to change Society, I will have no mercy as they have no mercy on the girls and boys who were just like me.