My 10 Lessons From Being In Love With A Psychopath- Part II
If you haven’t yet read out the first part of the series, you can check it out here: My 10 Lessons From Being In Love With A Psychopath- Part I
If you’re still find yourself stuck in a loop of manipulation, maybe my 10 Lessons Learnt from Loving a Psycho, could be yours too.
1) The Tears Aren’t Real
This wasn’t my first realization, in fact, this was the very last. That is exactly what why I put it first on this list.
It is one thing, to read about “lack of empathy”, or “self-victimization”, or “emotional manipulation” or “covert aggression”. Yet, experiencing it in life, is very different.
Even when you know someone is lying through their teeth, if somebody breaks down crying doing it, you tend to conjure sympathy, even when you don’t want to. It’s a natural reaction for most humans. Empathy, our greatest gift, is also their greatest weapon.
The biggest differentiation I could make between the tears of a psycho to the tears of a normal person, is that while the normal folk cry to express emotion; the tears of a psycho are usually to express the lack of it.
They somehow have the cognitive ability to know which situation demands a tear, but fail to feel the requisite emotion, despite providing the same end result.
It took me a while, a damn long while, I “ll be honest, to just make myself believe that crying can also be manipulative, simply because I hadn’t seen it before the first time. Now, that I have seen it, multiple times, from multiple sources, I know it’s true.
If somebody tells you they don’t cry at all, but you see them crying to you every other day, you’re not special, you’re the pawn. Figure it out.
2) It’s NEVER their fault
Possible answers to everyday conversations with your psycho partner.
Q1: Who broke the cup, when you were alone in the room?
A1: “I don’t know”, “The cup fell to the ground by itself.”
Q2: Why couldn’t you arrive on time, and I had to wait for hours at the theatre/pub/restaurant?
A2: “I don’t know”, “The alarm went bust, just today”, “I tried, you know”, “It wasn’t my fault”, “You’re such a dick for making a scene after only hours (every time)”
Q3a: Why didn’t you go to work today?
A3a: “I don’t know”, “My Dad had an accident”
Q3b: I called your Dad, and he’s fine and at home?
A3b: “I don’t know”, “How dare you call him to verify?”, “Are you spying on me?”, “How can you not trust me?”
Q4: Why did you fuck that guy?
A4: “I don’t know”, “I didn’t”, “Because you drove me insane, and into his bed”
Q5: Who killed the dead guy here? Why is their blood and a knife on your hands?
A5: “I don’t know”, “I didn’t”, “You brought the body here, you put the blood, and the knife in my hands, otherwise, why would you ask me who killed him? I didn’t even notice”.
You get the drift yet? It’s never their fault. NEVER.
Getting a psycho to take responsibility for their actions is a moot point. Forget about it! (with the Al Pacino accent)
3) The Sex Is Not Worth It
So, here’s the deal. Psychopaths, are intrinsically competitive people, who see, everything as a chance to improve their (imaginary) worth. Sociopaths, on the other hand are impulsively wired to please and be judged on it to improve self-worth in all aspects of life, making love, is no different.
And dammit! In either of the two cases, the romp between the sheets will be so good, you’d be put off by regular missionary for the next decade. Oh, so good!
Yet, by the time, you realize you’re in too deep (no pun intended), you won’t be able to get back out. If after every argument, your clothes come off, but not a solution to the problem you were discussing, you’re it, my friend.
4) Them Leading You On, Is Your Fault
If you’ve been with a psycho, you will know, how prone they are to agreeing to everything you say, but never coming through on it.
Here are some possible answers to everyday conversations.
Q1a: Can you pick up the food tomorrow?
A1a: “Yes, absolutely” (instant answer)
Forgets about it, and says… “Weren’t you supposed to pick up the food this week?”, “I had work you know, I wasn’t fooling around”
Q1b: Why did you say you were going to do it, if you didn’t want to?
A1b: “I don’t know”, “I tried, can you stop blaming me for everything?”
Q2a: Can you call tonight, it’s something very important?
A2a: “Absolutely, I will. You’re very important to me. I will definitely not forget” (instant answer)
Q2b: Hey, you didn’t call me yesterday. What happened?
A2b: “I don’t know”, “Can you stop judging me for one second?”
5) The I Love You Bluff
Ah, the eternally damned 3 words that make you their slave.
What is it about someone saying the words “I love you” to you, that makes you weak in the knees? That makes everything forgivable? That makes you deal with misery every day?
I don’t know. 6.5 billion people in the world, the word “love” has a varying definition for each of them. However, to your psycho partner, those are just words, injected every day into your psyche to keep you hanging on. Nothing else.
You’re their toy, and “I love you” is their turnkey. Another bitter pill to swallow, if you have basic human emotions and empathy.
PS: The same rules apply for the phrase “I’m sorry”.
6) Petty Score-keeping
Psychos view the world as an endless scoreboard. So, whether it’s professional nuances or emotional backlash, you’re likely to be on the receiving end of many revenge-based mind games if you live with them.
· It can be something as petty as them not picking up the phone for a week, if you manage to somehow miss one call of theirs.
· (In a professional setting) If you criticize their work, they will over-commit to doing more than you asked for, and blame it on you when they obviously fail.
· It could also be something as grave and sadistic as them having a threesome on your bed, if they somehow found you talking to your friend they don’t like.
We all have little bits of egotism, that these acts of antagonization touch deliberately to evoke a reaction. The solution? Ignore.
The key is not to lose your Nirvana, and let it slide. You aren’t losing anything, you don’t have to play the game, or take revenge on them too. It’s a vicious cycle. Just walk away.
7) Conscience? Not Quite
The popular belief among old-school psychologists was that psychopaths don’t have a conscience. That has since been proven wrong. In fact, they have just the normal amount of conscience as a regular person. However, conscience, even for ‘normal’ human beings is a difficult phenomenon to explain.
Conscience can only affect a person’s decision-making if they believe in the concept of an objective moral truth before right or wrong. However, since right or wrong is mostly subjective, psychopaths have a way of rationalizing their actions as right, simply because they did it.
Nearly all psychopaths or sociopaths go through a process of searing their conscience. Whereby every time they do something cruel, unkind, or something considered ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ by the general population, and get away with it, they train their mind to believe that there are no consequences to their actions.
For example, a sociopath might feel really guilty when they first cheat in a marriage. However, unlike most people, they will not retract and vow to not do it again or even confess, instead opting to do it multiple times more, so that it mimics ‘normalcy’.
Another extreme example, can be a psychopath killing a human and eating their remains, may give the explanation, that humans eat meat every day. The logic would be sound, even if you’re not a psychopath. Is one life of one species, truly more valuable than any other?
However, being top of the food chain, and voluntary cruelty to any animal or being are two different things.
The difference lies in their perception of the implications of actions, and kindness, and empathy. That’s where they falter. Living in a community and societal rules are alien to them.
8) Mirroring Emotions
Sociopaths, and to some degree, psychopaths too, are amazing at mimicking emotions, to make up for their incapacity to hold prolonged feelings. What that means in practicality is you may find these people to ‘mirror’ what you say or what you do.
Some simple examples of this type of manipulation can be, them telling you they’re really interested in the game you’re watching, when actually they might not even know the rules of the game.
You might think that’s harmless, but they only appear to share similar interests, goals, and morals, to get close enough to you to manipulate you.
Another example can be, if you say you’re not materialistic, they will tell you, they are not too, but you will see them bragging about their iPhone the very next minute. The same will follow about your food choices, till you order, and watch them unable to eat what you ordered.
More sadistic examples, can be, consistent gift-giving, and recurring ‘I love you(s)’ to keep you feeling wanted, without actually investing time or energy into knowing who you are or what you want. Psychos are almost always talented actors, and mimickers.
9) You Have Issues Too
Well, this is kind-of a no-brainer!
Why would you put up with the constant emotional or physical manipulation, if there wasn’t something wrong with you?
Some likely causes might be your self-deprecation, self-loathing, low self-esteem, social submissiveness, repetition compulsion, naivety, abandonment issues, oedipal complex, or any other aspect of your personality that makes you vulnerable to manipulation.
Depressives, are sadly, common victims too, as they make for an easier target.
10) You Can Walk Away
Once a psycho gets his or her hold on you, it can be very difficult to leave.
If you’ve been in such a relationship long enough, you learn to deal with it, and come to accept it as your life. You believe you have already invested too much in this to walk away. The constant drama becomes an addiction, you can’t rid yourself off.
However, you need to remember, you are NOT one of them. You can walk away, you just have to make the first step. Seeking professional help, is often a good starting point.
You’re stronger than what your psycho partner made you believe you are. That’s the final lesson.
So, there you go, these are the lessons I learnt from my stint(s) with what used to be my favorite kind of people. It’s never an easy choice, or an easy road to recovery after you do. However, I also learnt to figure out how to walk away and choose to preserve what little sanity I had left.
Here’s a song that perfectly describes a dysfunctional relationship with a psycho: Ever Fallen in Love? (With Someone You Shouldn’t’ve).
Have you ever encountered a sociopath or a psychopath? Have you ever fallen in love with them?
Were you more successful than I was while loving them? All I got was the knowledge to write this useless blog. And maybe, get to be a little psycho myself. Roflmao!