Getting Involved in Your Local Kink Community
How to find kinksters in your area
It’s not entirely clear why people become kinksters. Maybe you became aroused with your partner in a French Maid’s Halloween costume or you saw someone getting a spanking and they said “Thank you, Sir, may I have another?” But what is clear is that most of us find something in the more-than-missionary position to be both arousing and alluring. And lately you’ve found your pornography viewing selections skirting the rougher edges of the sexual candy store. Well, I’m here to say, “Welcome to the great big wide world of kink! You are not alone. On the contrary, there are millions of us. In fact, most of the people you know (from Accountant to Zen Master — yes, that’s A-Z), probably have a kinky side. We’re hiding in plain sight, and some of us aren’t trying to hide at all. There are active communities of kinksters in your very own town, or, at the very least, in a nearby city that you can join.
Once you have decided that you’re ready to expand your kinky world outside your darkened blinds-drawn bedroom, there are many avenues for you to explore.
Munches
A munch is a gathering of people interested in much the same thing. These are often informal socials held monthly at restaurants, coffeeshops, and bars around the world in every major city and most sleepy suburbs. It’s a great way to start — have a coffee, make some new friends, find out from the more experienced people how to get more involved. In the communities I’ve been involved in, there are often community ambassadors, those whose mission it is to spot the newcomers and make them feel welcome. It takes a lot of bravery to step forward and say you want to get involved. The good news is that most kinksters are extremely friendly and love sharing their knowledge of the community with new people. Regular munch attendees may wear their leather vests and other markers of kinky community affiliation, so they’ll be easy to recognize. People will use either real names or nicknames. Our world isn’t quite to the point where people can be completely open to and accepting of our kink lifestyles. So, pseudonyms are quite common in the community. It’s all part of the fun. In all, a munch is a great way to get started. Have a drink of choice and make new friends.
Organizations/Educational Events/Workshops
Most cities in the U.S. and most world-class cities have a kink club and/or leather organization, or both.
Kink clubs are often dues-paying membership non-profit organizations with a board of directors and a selection of monthly events and workshops available to members.
- Events and workshops may include noted kink and BDSM professional speakers, discussion groups, workshops, and demonstrations. Maybe you’ve seen someone wield a flogger with the deftness of a fencer, or use a whip with the accuracy of Zorro, or maybe you’ve seen someone tied in intricate rope bondage called Shibari. These are hard skills anyone can learn with some guidance and practice.
- Kink clubs will also offer discussion groups about soft skills, such as negotiation, aftercare, or the differences between Dominance and submission. You may discuss terms such as Bondage and Discipline/Domination and submission/Sadism and Masochism, the terms that form the meaning behind the popular acronym BDSM. Kink clubs will have more specialized groups for discussion of the various nuances of each side of the slash, as we say, D/s (Dominant/submissive) or M/s (Master/slave), and how to incorporate these interests into a more vanilla lifestyle. These are terms of power exchange. The term on the left of the slash is for the person with the power, and the term on the right of the slash is for the one giving up power. Never fear though, all of this happens in a mutually negotiated framework involving the explicit consent of each person involved.
- Community kink clubs may also operate a dungeon or rent facilities to host play parties, large parts in which participants engage in kinky scenes in front of everyone in attendance, usually to everyone’s erotic delight. It’s a kinkster’s candy store!
And contrary to popular belief, you can be a feminist or otherwise marginalized individual and give up power and keep all your politics, self-respect, integrity and dignity intact! Events, workshops, and play parties will help you find the areas of the kink world that will enflame your soul and take your desire to new heights.
Leather organizations are specialized, devoted to the leather lifestyle. Adherents often follow an allegiance to leather protocols that include service to community and family and integrity to self. There is a rich history of leather bars and organizations that can be found for those willing to look for it. The Eagle is a well-known leather and biker bar with establishments in New York and Los Angeles and other well-known U.S. cities and in select places in Canada and Europe as well. The leather lifestyle is a not a mainstream kink or BDSM organization. Its participants often will wear leather from boots and leather pants or chaps, a leather vest and/or jacket and perhaps even a leather cover or cap, and they may belong to leather families, chosen family who are not part of their biological nuclear families. Many people equate BDSM with the leather lifestyle, leather-clad “Daddies” and “Mistresses” wielding whips and billy clubs and looking tough. While there is still some of that look involved in both leather and mainstream kink and BDSM clubs, most people involved in leather are interested in sincere leather fellowship and service to the leather community.
Leather communities often have local, national, and international competitions for titleholders, those who best represent the community. They are organized like traditional beauty competitions, in which participants must give a speech, perform a talent, and have a platform, but those talents and platforms tend toward the kinky side and supporting the community in which they are held. The International Mister Leather and International Ms. Leather competitions attract thousands of attendees and are perhaps the most well-known competitions in the leather community. There are usually some leather practitioners who crossover to local mainstream kink clubs. In general, if you’re just starting out, you can find out more about your local leather community through your local kink club.
Books
You can also learn from books as well. The world of kink and BDSM publishing is vast and growing all the time. You can find the basics in many books as well as all sorts of very specific kinks and fetishes. And now more than ever, you don’t even have to hide behind curtains or step foot into seedy adult bookstores wearing a trench coat and dark sunglasses to find your preferred reading material, although you can if you want to! Today’s adult bookstores are modern stores with great selections of books and oodles of sex toys, clothes, and implements of pleasure.
Dungeons
Attending a dungeon or dungeon party is also another great way to get started in the kink world. Most major cities in the U.S. and around the world have a world-class dungeon or two available to kinksters. Dungeons are run by professionals in the kink world and usually offer paid services — people who will Dominate you, or submissives to use (according to rules) for your pleasure. The fees are usually moderately- to highly-priced, but dungeons will also offer their locations and work with local kink clubs to offer their equipment and furniture for party nights. You can attend a party and watch the proceedings or bring a partner or partners and play together. You’ll be asked to sign a waiver and consent form that says you’ll be exposed to sexual acts and nudity. Many dungeons require safer sex practices only and will often provide condoms and lube and other products. Some dungeons will leave the safer sex practices to the participants themselves, meaning fluid-bonded partners may have an option to play in the way they do in their own homes. It’s totally up to the dungeon ownership to set the rules for the location.
Conferences
I have been participating in the public kink scene for more than 25 years. During that time, the community has grown up and is flourishing. BDSM and kink is not quite mainstream but it’s not hidden in bedrooms and in dark dungeons anymore. There is a well-developed lifestyle with many practitioners. Always striving to learn and share what we’ve learned, kinksters now organize and operate a wide variety of thriving kinky conferences throughout the world. Most large conferences are annual and can be specialized, focusing on just one aspect of kink, such as age play, or furries, or the spirituality of leather. Other conferences may be more generalized, with dozens of speakers presenting on every kink topic under the sun — from how to be the best submissive you can be to how to use a flogger and everything in between. Conferences are generally held in hotels and require a conference fee, with steep discounts for people who sign up early. The calendar is now crowded with annual kinky conference events, with an array of topics and speakers — amateurs to professionals. Usually, a well-organized conference will have a vendors hall with manufacturers offering goods and services for every kinkster’s needs in every price range — from products for leather care to high-quality floggers and whips to full leather and latex gimp suits. Bring your imagination and your wallets. Before you know it, you will have a full toy box to make even Christian Grey jealous. For the money-conscious kinkster, there are often DIY workshops and how to practice kink on a budget. Home Depot in kink circles is called Dom Depot for a reason. Almost any item can be turned into a kink toy — I have a set of green and red rubber holiday spatulas with “nice” and “naughty” printed on them, perfect for spanking a naughty holiday elf!
Taking the step to come out of the proverbial kink closet and join your local merry band of kinksters is a big step. But it’s a step that I guarantee will offer lifelong friendships, opportunities to learn more about kink and about yourself, and a journey that will kindle the fires in your kinky soul forever.
If you’re ready to start your journey, bring up any internet browser and search of “kink clubs” in your area. That’s what I did back in 1993, and I’ve never looked back. There is, as is said, an app for that. There are many kinky apps these days. But one app stands above the rest — Fetlife — a social media app (love it or hate it) that kinksters often call the Facebook for kinksters. You’ll find a kinky events calendar that’s keyed to your location. If you’re not quite ready to dip your toes into the kinky community pool, you can read about other people’s fetishes and kinks and start making friends in a more anonymous way. But when you are ready to venture outside, away from your computer and nightstand drawer of sex toys, we are here, waiting for you. And we, most of us anyway, have a welcoming hug just for you.
Mister Vinnie is a cismale, sex-positive, pansexual, polyamorish, Dominant leatherman with 28 years experience in the leather community. He edits the sex blog, EDGEPLAY.
