6 (widely applicable) Things I Wish Your Mom Knew Before You Dated a Black Guy

***I’m in the process of transitioning stuff off of Wordpress and over to Medium. Some small edits have been made since the original publishing of this. This blog was originally published 2/10/14***

This post originally began much more scathing and mean. I have since realized that some of it was unjust and other parts just a little over the top, not to mention just downright LONG. So I condensed it into this handy dandy little guide for the mothers of all the white girls in the world who grow up in places where the population is 99.8% white.

Feel free to share the knowledge and maybe they’ll be less cringeworthy (and by cringeworthy I mean, God do I wish you were male and not the parent of someone I love and hope to marry because I swear I’d punch you in the face if I thought there was the slightest chance of re-couping back into your good graces afterwards) moments.

  1. Your daughter’s preference for men of color does not translate into a preference for criminals. What? You never said that? Of course not. Just a few hundred iterations of “bad boy” and “thug” to really drive the point home. Don’t forget to hide your jewelry as soon as I get to your house and make uncomfortable commentary about it.
  2. Get over the fact that I dress well. I do not need you to compliment every item of clothing I own that has a collar. I have a separate closet worth of sweaters and a tie collection bigger than your ex-husband’s. Believe it or not, the black male wardrobe is not all neon colors, size 46 denim and 3XL tee-shirts.
  3. Yes I like hip-hop, no it’s not all I listen to. The assumption that the only music I listen is hip-hop is downright fucking insulting. My favorite genres of music also include most variations of EDM, punk rock, pop, jazz, ska, and soul. My father was a Berklee-trained jazz musician who played with Miles Davis and James Brown, please don’t insult me by assuming my musical depth ends where the ass shaking stops.
  4. On the topic of ass-shaking, I am a better dancer than your daughter. I’m sure you met a Latin man once on vacation who knew how to dance, so I know you’re familiar with this phenomenon of people who posses penises being able to do more on a dancefloor than stand there and leer at you awkwardly from 50 ft away, or better yet standing dead still uncomfortably close to your ass. Just accept that I am part of said phenomenon and move on. If I have to listen to the two of you talk about how “he said I was a good dancer for a white girl” and giggle in giddy excitement while you think I’m still asleep in the other room one more time I think I might actually lose it.
  5. If you have the balls to invite me into your home to mediate a conversation between you and your daughter because you have difficulty communicating with her, then you should probably be comfortable with me being in your house. This whole “you need to be out of my house by 7am” because you’re “not comfortable with me being here when you are not” thing is clearly a sham. You’ve all but said to your daughter (who tells me these things FYI) that you’re worried I’m going to steal something and that you don’t feel safe. You’re an adult woman, grow the fuck up please.
  6. I wear a baseball hat pretty much everywhere. Yes, sometimes I even wear them backwards. No it is not because I am some sort of “gangsta”. Like most human beings with preferences, my lid-love is deeply personal. When I was a kid I had long hair and couldn’t fit a hat over it, and now that I wear my hair shorter, I like the ability to wear hats. I own over 60 of them so get used to it. 
    I wear them backwards because by the time I had short enough hair to wear hats my dad had died and there was no male role model in my life to show me how to curve the brim of a hat properly and they’d always come out pointy. Too embarrassed to ask somebody for assistance, I started wearing my hats backwards so people wouldn’t see the brim as often and was really excited when the whole “flat-brim” style came into vogue.

Long story short, I am a financially independent, creative professional with a degree and a future. I am not an extra in a 2 Chainz video (He’s kinda like MC Hammer for our generation if you’re not caught up to speed) video. Please behave accordingly.