Terrible Writers Salon
This November, three writers got together and took turns writing three separate stories in an attempt to purge every terrible idea they’d had for their writing out of their head at once. This is one of the products of that fateful night.
“Massachusetts is going to need a 42nd graveyard to clean this mess up, eh General?”
Genuine nausea took the place of whatever arousal General Kafka had felt moments earlier. A hardened man with a nose for the impossible and grotesque crimes of Gritty-Townsville, he had aced his Quirky Detective Training thanks to a magical amulet inherited from his grandmother that had implanted itself in his Medulla Oblongata twelve years ago. Since then, his Rock Brain abilities let him see everything that the person nearest to him had eaten recently that they politely pretended to like, but really didn’t care for.
There was a girl who was given a sandwich. Her disgusted face became more obvious as his special powers kicked in. Little did the sandwich maker know, this girl could not stand regular sandwich bread, she felt it too plain for her colorful personality. Rather, she was too shy to admit her stomach was too picky to stomach mush textures. what others didn't know, but he could now see, was that she took the sandwich, chewed it, and now it rest in her napkin. as she contemplates what she will be making herself when she gets home. then, there was a discarded man crumpled on the curb. He had eaten everything scavengable in the trash hidden in the alley. His secret was that he loved eating trash more then the pie he stole a week ago. but is too ashamed to admit it. General Kafka had always felt that his super power was largely useless, but he always knew it would come in handy one day, like today when all of Grotty Townsville was being consumed wholesale by a a giant ravenous slug beast. “Have you ever wondered, ‘slugs: what are they even trying to do? I mean, really, do ya know? They just ooze around aimlessly with their homes on their backs, like — they move slow cause they’ve got nowhere to be.” said Rear Admiral Lizt. “That’s the scariest thing I’ve heard all day” said General Kafka, his rock brain gently pulsing, “but I’m just the man to take this Lovecraftian horror down.”
With that he pounded a well-muscled fist on his well-muscled chest, dug his heels into the ground, and leaped into flight cause in addition to rock brain he also has the power of flight which is a much more useful power, and he can also go Super Saiyan, but you don’t find that out until chapter ten.
He knew that with the combined force of his flight, hidden Saiyan powers, latent psychic ability, and ability to see what people secretly don’t like eating, that he could stop this monster.
The slug beast hummed gently, its bodily vibrations mimicking eerily that song from Inception. Not the french one, the other one. Near the end of what could be his mouth, a massive orifice opened up into what at first glance looked like teeth but were actually tiny baby hands, each holding a sliver of a mirror you used to have in your family’s house that always made you look fat and feel self-conscious for the entire school day. The baby-arm-glass teeth glinted in the afternoon sun.
General Kafka slowed his warp flight powers down so he hovered above the creatures massive backside, which looked as though it had been spray-painted with every meme that had been popular from 2008–2010 in a horrifying display of juvenile thought processes run amok. His rock brain felt anxiously at the creatures brain, probing it for its deepest thoughts. “SO” the slug beasts mind hissed, “YOU THINK YOU CAN WIN THIS BATTLE WITH ME, A GOD OF THE WRITTEN TONGUES OF OLD.” General Kafka just smirked like an anime antagonist and said “Feh. You don’t look that tough to me. My powers will make short work of you, just you wait.”
The beast ate a nearby Dunkin’ Donuts in response, each tiny baby arm skewering a doughnut or iced latte with its sword. This outraged the General for he was hoping to stop there in celebration after battle. How dare he, did this vile creature have no good qualities? Out of pure disgust and hatred for the beast, he let the fire in his belly roar out his lip, “ Yo mama is so fat, that she makes Fat Albert look skinny”
The monster was shocked at his childish comeback, but was too blinded by his emotions to stop his own response,
“WELL YO MAMMA IS SO FAT, SHE ATE FAT ALBERT AND WAS LIKE ‘WHAT IS FOR DESSERT?’”
“Well yo mamma isss sooooo ugly, she they accidentally mistook her for a farm animal!”
“WELL YO MAMMA IISSSS SOOOOOOO UGLY SHE TRAVELED AROUND WITH THE CIRCUS AS ‘THE UGLIEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD.’’’
“Welllll youuuuuuuuuuuu mammma is sooooo fat that the only guy who would fuck her was a giant slug.”
The beast began to sob.
“I’ve found his weakness! He can dish it out but he can’t take it!”
The slug let out a great moo and it’s manifold baby hands quivered in fear.
“I’ll get you yet!”
“Your momma is so fat the people are concerned for her health!”
“You’ve not seen the last of me!”
“Oh but we have” cried the General, “for with my special powers I can see that the one thing you hate to eat is… YOUR WORDS!”
And with that, the God Slug popped like the grossest zit you have ever seen. Like a zit made of slime and baby hands, and showered the remains of Gritty Townsville in Dunkin’ Donuts bits.
“NOW” shouted The General, “LEND ME YOUR STRENGTH!”
“You killed the monster! You’re are hero!” cried the townspeople.
“But I haven’t gone Super Saiyan yet!” shouted The General.
“But you don’t have to, the monster is dead!” cried the townspeople.
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” The General Began to shake and scream.
“Why are you doing this? “ cried the townspeople.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” Screamed The General continuing to power up even as the camera pans out.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” cried the townspeople, for now there was a new monster to contend with.
Admiral Lizt sighed and rolled his eyes in an exaggerated gesture.
“Welp, here we go again!”
He raised his thumb up to his mouth, his eyes burning with lust for vengeance for his poor fat mother, killed by a Yo Mamma joke that went just too far.
“You’ll pay for making her cry, you monster!” As he bit down on his thumb, a massive amount of steam seemed to explode all around him. When it cleared, the townspeople and Dunkin Donuts patrons saw with horror a giant naked Adam Levine.
“AAAAHHHHHHH NONE OF THIS IS AN IMPROVEMENT AAAAAHHHHHHH”
General Kafka’s muscles threaten to cut off the circulation of every blood vessel, and from the quivering flex-wrinkle that might have been his mouth a voice cried out “You may try to challenge me, but you can never face…THE LAST THINK YOU ATE THAT YOU DIDN’T LIKE VERY MUCH.”
Adam Levine Titan stood there, nakedly swaying in the breeze. A passing pigeon flew into his open maw. He chewed thoughtfully on the bird which in its last moments of life thanked God for the chance to be inside such a glorious union of beast and pop music star.
General Kafka smiled cruelly. “Just let me use my powers and I’ll have you…wait….what is this…” the smile fell quickly from his facehole like a drunk puppy.
The titan stared with its blank eyes and turned to fully face the Magic Amulet Saiyan.
“You…the last thing you ate was….MY MASTER.” General Kafka’s facemuscles darkened. “…and you didn’t even enjoy the taste? You jerk, he must’ve tasted PERFECT.” He punctuated this last word with a flying punch aimed right at the titan’s weak spot. Titan Adam Levine smacked him out of the air and made a loud massive bellowing sound that could’ve meant something like “He was missing the proper seasoning!” The last thing General Kafka thought as the giant teeth fell on him was “Curse my love of salt-and-pepper body scrubs.”