Lessons from watching every single Hallmark holiday movie

Credit: 1950sUnlimited via flickr/CC BY 2.0

In November 2017, the Hallmark Channel released a movie called The Christmas Train, in which a Spielbergian movie producer (Danny Glover) stuffs a cross-country train full of actors to dupe two former war correspondents (Kimberly Williams-Paisley, Dermot Mulroney) into falling in love again. It also strongly implies that Glover is God. The night it aired, the movie was the most-watched show on cable, drawing 4.87 million viewers.

This year, Hallmark will release 22 more Christmas movies. The first offering in its Countdown to Christmas, an insultingly low-effort cash-in on eternal Jane Austen mania called Christmas at Pemberley Manor, snagged roughly…

Jeb Lund

Former political correspondent at Rolling Stone, The Guardian, Esquire and Vice. Co-host, Dave and Jeb Aren’t Mean:

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