The Truth About Damage Control vs Maintenance in Relationships

Interesting things going on in the world today, but what sticks out most is just how low the bar can be set at times regarding our relationships. Last week I decided to randomly bring my lady flowers, which is something I love to do to keep her on her toes. It’s the little things that let your woman know you are thinking of her. So as I walked into my building one of my neighbors said, “Uh oh, what did you do?”…

This is part of the reason I created ModPre. To reverse the prominent mind-set that damage control is more important than maintenance. I never want my woman to be sitting around with her girlfriends thinking, “…damn he never does that for me”. Or worse yet, that sad, bitter, resentful, “…oh that’s nice”.

See, we all want to be loved. We all want the personal best from our partner but it’s clear most do not know the right romantic cocktail to maintain that initial spark. According to Dr. Helen Fisher, we have 3 brain circuits around romantic passion — lust, romantic love, and attachment. The goal has to be to anchor your stable and secure relationship with lust and romantic love to leverage your attachment, rather than allowing it to consume you. If not, your partner will begin to seek what’s missing from the trio elsewhere, or stick around, but remain miserable.

Now while I write for both sides, as a man, I cannot stress how important it is to lead. Lead the courtship, lead the growth, and lead by example. It’s almost as if men are the new women, and have some false sense of entitlement that we can sit around complacently and get the results they want. That’s just not how it works, and for a multitude of reasons. As David Deida describes, “one of the deepest feminine desires in intimacy is precisely not to have to always figure it out for her man and guide him. She wants to be able to trust him in his direction.” The same light but masculine, passionate yet humorous energy you would use to flirt with some random woman in the train station, your voluptuous co-worker, or worse yet your mistress, is the only way to keep a woman happy. And guess what gentlemen, its on us …

Let’s look at some actionable insight on the topic:

Taking Stock of the General Tone — In short, ASK! A simple, “Hey how are we doing?” goes a long way. You would be surprised at how many times I have heard, “I don’t need to, I already know how she feels..” No, you really don’t.

Keeping Him/Her On Their Toes — For some it could be flowers, for others it might be a random brunch, or picking up their favorite bottle of wine when you know they had a bad day. We all know the extra mile we go to court our lovers, the key is to not stop once they are yours.

Cultivating An Atmosphere Where They Can Express Their “Secret Garden” — This is not a short term tip, but rather a part of the foundation. Don’t fall for your partners charm, confidence, or inner freak when you meet and then try to smother it once you are together. There has to be a balance. Keep it sexy and respectful, but do not let your insecurities drive the guidelines of the relationship. It will only yield bitterness and resentment.

In closing, summer is approaching and the tone of your relationship should match this season in particular. Light and airy. If the vibe is more reminiscent of a school dean ready to give out the next demerit, or motherly, in her attempts to remind you of little things, you will both be miserable. Rest your relationship on a foundation of respect, but leverage it with spontaneity, passion, and the same vibe that brought you together to begin with.

-Jus’ Black