It’s not an easy journey, to get to a place where you forgive people. But it is such a powerful place, because it frees you.
— Tyler Perry
It can feel like “walking on thin ice,” so-to-speak, to live or coexist with a loved one who has “wronged,” hurt, or abused you.
It can even feel like you are the “thin ice.” Like you can break at any given moment (we’ve all been there in some way, don’t worry).
But — here is where you will learn that you are not broken, and you can take control of your life after abuse or any sort of suffering!
The Signs and Steps: from Victim to VICTORY
- The Chain of Victimhood (recognizing the “victim-naming” cycle)
- Pattern of Disorders and Habits following Abuse (maybe they’re familiar…)
- Turning Point/Freedom of Choice (reflection leading to empowerment)
- Victory Over Victimhood (you choose Life, and you finally choose YOU)
*This article is about the growth one can experience from enduring and overcoming personal hardships related to narcissistic abuse, severe mental illness, and cognitive dissonance.
The Chain of Victimhood
Have you ever been hurt by someone who blamed their patterns of abuse on someone else who abused them first?
Maybe your ex? Your parents? Your friend? You?
When it comes to families — believe it or not — a lot of people have looked up at their parents at some point to question why their parent(s) struggled with some form of addiction, or why they had to resort to a “club” life when they were growing up.
There’s a lot of questions, and guilt, or shame associated with stuff like that. The kids can feel hopeless, depressed or withdrawn. The parents can lose their kids, have broken relationships, or continue suffering with addiction.
Foster children, abused children and neglected children usually grow up with lower self-esteem and not too many resources to learn healthy coping skills.
A lot of those children grow up and, sadly, repeat the cycle.
While you don’t have to go into as much depth as my curiosity has brought me, here are some facts about that (from science!):
“It is clear that there is a confirmed link between child abuse, addiction problems in the home, and poor child outcomes” (Seay, K. D., 2014). See the journal entry here.
This study found that “Neglect was found to be a significant predictor of newly diagnosed substance dependence” (Lalayants, M., & Prince, J. D., 2015).
According to this (other) research article on Child Abuse & Neglect, there are clear findings that state that “[we] need to provide victims of abuse with assistance to help prevent a cycle of victimization.”
This is a real issue.
If you consider that, it’s certainly no question why some of these children grow up and repeat the cycle of abuse onto other loved ones. While unfortunate, it’s true.
And it can happen to any of us.
Pattern of Disorders and Habits following Abuse
(See: Risk and Protective Factors of Abuse (Do you “check the list of criteria?”)
(See: Understanding the Impact of Trauma (For yourself or a loved one)
The cycles of behaviour following abuse, neglect and other negative treatment patterns can last a long time. Often, the abused becomes the abuser. Which, I’m sure — you are trying to not do.
But… fear not, my friend! You can actually break the cycle of victimization — With a little bit of elbow grease, and an open mind — anything is possible.
So how do you stop it from following you?
No matter what background you have, come from, married into, or identify with — There is always a sad story somewhere.
We can’t really change or control that. It’s up to you to control yourself, though.
Now, while we’ve identified the ones who are at higher risk of “being the victim,” we haven’t yet established an answer to the following question:
Since anyone can become a victim, who’s the abuser? Who’s the abused? Where does the cycle of victimization end?
And what on Earth do I mean by that???
Well, let me ask you a question, now.
Who is the “victim?” Is there a specific role that you think one person needs to fit into, in order to be accurately perceived as “the victim?”
Seriously. Are they a victim to other people, or themselves, or their conditions? Are we all victims?
Well… yes, and no.
Whether your dad was abused, or your mom was a victim to depression, or your great uncle was a slave, or you married an alcoholic who has a crazy ex-wife (or you have a friend who has a friend’s great great grandmother whose house was bombed in World War I)… We all go through things or know someone who’s been abused. We LITERALLY ALL go through something in our lives at some point!
We have all fallen victim to circumstance. To addiction. To taking things too personally. We’ve even fallen victim to victimizing ourselves.
And you know what?
Fear of accountability is a pattern repeated by victims of past abuse or trauma
To add onto that, try asking your abuser to take accountability!
No? Okay, well what about you? Will you take accountability for projecting it onto other people because you were a victim, too, once?
If you have, it probably took a lottttt of growth to get there.
How do I know? Well, aside from all the research I’ve done over the years in college programs and for work in behavioural therapy clinics — I watched it my entire life.
In my story, I’ve had to really step out of the picture emotionally and look at it from a logical standpoint. I’ve literally had to dissect what I’ve learned from my family, and use it as a case study for my own scientific research.
In life, it’s easy to blame people for our toxic traits. There is almost always a victim in someone’s story.
Hell, I’ve even done it.
While you don’t have to pinpoint an exact moment in history in your family tree of where the abuse all started, it may help you feel better to ask yourself some questions — this will help you come to terms with how you can move on from it all. -Author
I had to ask myself the hard questions, too. I had to find a way out.
Why?
Because I refused to be the victim any longer. And you can, too.
After realizing that all of us victims and none of us are victims, and we are all only victims if we allow ourselves to feel like only victims, then who’s really right here?
This is the point.
There is no absolute right or wrong when it comes to abuse — Don’t get me wrong here. What I mean is:
There is no definitive profile for someone to be deemed an absolute victim, especially when we are all capable of taking things personally or saying something hurtful without harmful intent.
You don’t have to be outcasted to be a victim. You don’t have to be depressed to be a victim. You don’t have to be repressed to be a victim.
Anyone can be a victim. And you know what else anyone can be?
Free — of identifying as a victim for any longer than necessary.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
“You shouldn’t focus on why you can’t do something, which is what most people do… You should focus on why perhaps you can, and be one of the exceptions.” — Steve Case
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —-
Turning Point/Freedom of Choice
Have you finally asked yourself the question I asked myself long ago?
WILL YOU REFUSE TO BE A VICTIM, TOO?
Image from https://pixabay.com/photos/train-abyss-hiking-height-trained-4703167/
It doesn’t always have to feel like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place — or in the case of how it actually feels — choosing between getting hit by a train or falling to your death.
We’ve established already that victimizing ourselves takes away our power.
You are literally taking your own POWER away — by not forgiving it and refusing to move forward.
In my own story, using Behavioural Therapy and Counselling Skills classes from college and relating it to my family (and other exhausting endeavours just shy of literally breaking my motivation to finally question why I was doing any of this); I realized 4 things:
- You can dig up a list like I did (even though it’s pointless to dig up their past unless you’re in a courtroom). Or — you can choose to let it go. No matter how long the cycles of abuse and victimization have been going on, the “he-said-she-said” drama can go on forever, and let’s face it — you don’t have forever, and if you did, would you really want to spend forever knocking your head against a brick wall?? Believe me, it’s way easier to care and hold a grudge, but that’s a waste of time (remember, you can never regret taking care of yourself!)
- Realize the only thing you can change is yourself. You may not be able to change what happened to you, and you may not be able to change how someone deals with the aftermath of their own trauma. As difficult as it can feel to walk away and let it go, there will be a point where you feel better eventually… I promise. At some point in your future, you will have a moment where you can feel the freedom, and smile, knowing this is behind you.
- Know that you may always be the bad guy in someone’s story for walking away, and that’s okay. You need to accept that and move on — well, unless you want to sit around and be bitter about someone for years like some people in my family circle. If you genuinely think that’ll make you happy, you could do that — but it’s always more freeing to walk away.
(Side Note: It can be terrifying or feel impossible to find a way out, but there are hotlines, authority figures, free community resources and outreach clinics. Please reach out if you feel trapped. You deserve better.)
4. KNOW: EVERY FAMILY IS DYSFUNCTIONAL IN THEIR OWN WAY. You’ve got at least 10–1000 people in your family tree somewhere, and they are all unique — different attitudes, different upbringings, different beliefs, different levels of patience, different incomes, and different circumstances. You cannot spend your time trying to change your family, or your abuser, or someone who feels the need to hurt someone. It is not your responsibility, and frankly — Family is family; it’s exhausting — seriously. Have you ever tried to mediate a family function? It’s like trying to tame a hundred lions in the midst of a battle!
It sucks to get put down by people you love.
But if you’ve been treated poorly by someone for a long time and they make you out to be the bad guy for leaving, you’re seriously better off without them and their scrutiny.
You don’t owe anyone anything, especially people who have continuously hurt you with harmful intent — Just be aware as well, that you can take things too personally sometimes (especially if you’ve been through abuse or trauma).
Be gentle here… It’s not your fault. But it’s always good to be self-aware of how you treat people, too.
Some people want to be victims. Sometimes they genuinely are one, and sometimes they’re just a bit sensitive. We also cannot control that. If you want to identify as a victim, you do you! But if you’d rather break free of that mindset and not spend years feeling resentful towards others when you’re actually just keeping yourself locked into resentment, you’ve probably learned something from my story!
Victory Over Victimhood
Choosing Yourself by Choosing to Forgive.
“Forgiveness — Why the ‘F’ Would I Want to Do That?”
In order to be truly free of the fear that is the resulting aftermath left over from abuse and trauma (including release from the attachment of resentment AND repeating the cycle of “victim-naming” or abuse), you must go through the stages of enlightenment (yes, I said enlightenment).
To Enlightenment: From Forgiving My “Toxic” Family Members
- Breathe and know that it’ll be okay. You have the choice to look at your life and change it — walk away, with peace.
- Focus on healing yourself: You can choose how to let go and take care of yourself — counselling, medication if you need it, meditating, yoga, martial arts to protect yourself, herbal remedies, a spiritual retreat, etc. — the possibilities are endless!
- Realize that no one is telling you to stay attached to the past. Only you decide to move on or stay stagnant; which do you want to be?
- Find new things to do — celebrate your freedom with your friends! Move and make new ones if you have to! You are free to literally do whatever you want, when you let go and move on!!
Summary:
- A Chain of Victimhood (Recognize the “victim-naming” cycle)
- Pattern of Disorders and Habits following Abuse (Be aware that you don’t fall into it and hurt yourself or others)
- Turning Point/Freedom of Choice (Transformation from turning point to decision — “where will you take action in your life?”)
- Victory Over Victimhood (Understand that YOU make YOUR OWN decisions. Hopefully, you choose Life, and you finally choose YOU)
Now, get out there and live a life that you love!
(See: Resources below if you are in need of help or you want to educate yourself on overcoming abuse, trauma, and mental health - for yourself or loved ones)
About The Author
Alongside my personal experience of growing up with recurrent mental illness in my family… having a deep passion to learn, unlearn, and recreate better habits for myself… and finally leaving my hometown to pursue higher education and be around more like-minded folks around the world, I found myself on YouTube and Medium.com a lot and basically landed here to write and inspire others!
Services by the Author
As I’ve mentioned in my profile bio, I’ve completed post-secondary education and clinical work in the Behavioural Sciences field. As a Behavioural Therapy service provider and Crisis-support worker, I worked for the last 6 years working across group homes, autism clinics, assisted-living adult housing programs, family home settings, elementary and secondary schools.
This includes theoretical and hands-on experience with counselling skills, grief and trauma handling, conflict mediation, behavioural data collection (observations, charting, progress monitoring, etc), and external referral support. A HUGE PART of my work involves educating people because at the heart of my research, I will always believe that:
Proper and holistic education can never breed incongruity or hate, and there is always more to learn about. With the ways science and technology are progressing, if you think you’ve 100% mastered something, you’ve spent too much time there! -Jamie Lehouillier
Help Resources:
In Canada:
In the USA:
Outside of North America:
References
National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Division of Violence Prevention. Risk and Preventative Factors. CDC (March 15, 2021). Accessed from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/childabuseandneglect/riskprotectivefactors.html
Center for Substance Abuse Treatment (US). Trauma-Informed Care in Behavioral Health Services. Rockville (MD): Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (US); 2014. (Treatment Improvement Protocol (TIP) Series, №57.) Chapter 3, Understanding the Impact of Trauma. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK207191/
Child Welfare Information Gateway (2019). Image packet retrieved from https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubpdfs/long_term_consequences.pdf
Colleen C. Katz, Marina Lalayants, Victor Lushin,
The longitudinal effects of maltreatment class membership on post-traumatic stress & depression, Child Abuse & Neglect (Volume 118, 2021, 105103, ISSN 0145–2134). Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2021.105103.
Kristen M. Benedini, Abigail A. Fagan, Chris L. Gibson,
The cycle of victimization: The relationship between childhood maltreatment and adolescent peer victimization. Child Abuse & Neglect (Volume 59,
2016, Pages 111–121, ISSN 0145–2134). Article originated from https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2016.08.003. Article accessed from
(https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0145213416301697)
RTI International (2014). The National Survey on Child and Adolescent Well-being II (NSCAW II) General Release, Waves 1–3 [Dataset]. National Data Archive on Child Abuse and Neglect. https://doi.org/10.34681/EBFD-GS84
