What makes a good artist?
I once said ‘I read to escape.’
But maybe it’s the other way around. I write because there’s no better way to escape.
At least for some few minutes, I completely vanish. I become nothing but the ink and the characters. Nothing but a story that’s being told, I become me. In a way not only hidden, but safely. I feel warm dipped in ink, as I wallow in the toner.
I’m alive, fused, even a little incredible. Not so much, but enough to feel safe again.
I become an actress in an empty movie house. I play both the theater and the audience. The rushing excitement — the joy of being fully alive. But here’s the crazy twist though — when it’s written for a real audience, for a stage full of people, I can’t help but feel my skill dissipate.
I’m afraid the opera is louder than my ears are cut out for. So I disappear, into the unsafest corner in the world. It’s my own self-doubt. It rings in my ears, and I’m afraid that I’m failing with every word, with every sentence. I want to completely vanish once again.
The fear that I’m not good enough. How constant it has become now that more and more of my writing is being shared. I try to avoid the buzz because it kills the hum. But I can’t help it sometimes, I just let it.
The fear that I’m not good enough.
I want to write about sandstorms without names, then I end up naming them. I desire the oneness of art with the person, but it’s so elusive. It seems to completely elude me these days. I get more and more passionate about art, yet more fearful. I seem to think of art so honorably, that I perhaps fear tainting its good name.
What doesn’t heal to me is more controversial than artistic. And with all my heart, I do not desire controversy; only miracles. Art is a miracle.
My question to self is — I’m I a vessel that can pass on healing? I’m I a conduit of the divine, and more intimately, the godly? Or I’m I simply fumbling with words, hoping to make a kill while at it?
What art if any is there in me? In wanting to write, to create, how do I put out art that has healing power in it? Art with power to regenerate, to inspire hope, fortune and good things.
Just how do I make good art?