Usually I have a very strong sense of what I believe. When I was younger I used to attach myself to a wave of feeling about a particular belief or argument and hold onto to it with all my strength of passion. I didn’t consider that anything would change the way I thought, I was adamant. I was so sure of my sense of injustice, I was so sure I would be joining a crusade to fight all the baddies. I was so naive.
I have been feeling a little different recently. A little less definite. A little less – naive? Perhaps it’s because I’ve read more and I am even more aware of the world around me so I have been given a much wider sense of what is wrong. And what is right. And sometimes when it isn’t clear whether something is right or wrong. And that’s where it gets a little blurry.
Actually, recently I have completely changed some of the beliefs I held before when I was a naive little social justice warrior because I just haven’t been sure about what to think. There are some issues that I contemplate daily but I can’t come to a conclusion about them. Sometimes I have been unable to decide who I could discuss the issues with, some are not always suitable to discuss out in the open over this easily misconstrued medium, so I harbour them inside and get anxious instead. That wasn’t supposed to happen either.
Sometimes, even within my feminist beliefs, I get a bit shy about sharing them. Or, sadly, I can’t be bothered to be confronted about them anymore. I consider the significance of arguing with someone else so set in their beliefs they will never listen to me. I just laugh and move on. I might not be right anyway, I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I think this is a reaction to having watched some of my most firmly held beliefs disintegrate to nothing and having a new one erected in its place. But the new one is not built on what I thought was a solid substance, it’s built on sand now.
There is nothing wrong with changing what you believe. In fact, it’s exciting. It means I get to learn and understand things in a new way and it will always be happening. They don’t always change drastically but they do emphasise the fact that as a person I am not constant. I just need to come to terms with the fact that my beliefs are not permanent. And that is scary, but also really good.