Miscarriage & The Worlds Indifference.

Losing a baby is an incredibly difficult event in any persons life. I felt this & understood this long before it happened to me. This understanding only further compounded my complete & utter upset with how I was treated by some people last year when I lost my baby at close to 20 weeks.

I experienced what is classed as a late miscarriage, it was for me an incredibly difficult experience to have lived through. It is possibly the hardest thing I’ve gone through in my life, so far. Nobody seems to understand what occurs in a late miscarriage, but from peoples indifference to what me and my husband went through it is clear most people think its a bit like getting a tooth removed. The extraction is uncomfortable, you feel a bit shook up, but that a couple of paracetamol & a lie down will sort you out. I won’t get into the details, all I will say is, it’s absolutely nothing like that. Months later, I’m still at a loss for some peoples naivety & stupidity about the issue. There was a bump, it is now gone, as uncomfortable as it is for other people, it did not just disappear into thin air.

I hadn’t told many people I was pregnant because the truth is I have extremely difficult pregnancies that are fraught with worry & anguish. I find the up beat joy of other people talking to me about my good news superficial BS, especially as I’m generally experiencing a special type of hell, that nobody seems to understand. They all want to congratulate, but nobody can understand for me there is no baby until there is a baby, it’s not or ever has been an easy journey for me.

People have no comprehension of what a difficult pregnancy is until you go through one, two, or in my case three. People are smug about their carefree pregnancies in the same way as parents are of their child that sleeps. Ask any parent who hasn’t slept in months if they want to listen to another parent of a sleeper child talk down to them about bedtime routines & crying it out techniques. Same goes for pregnant people who are sick, I don’t want to hear the how you didn’t even know you were pregnant stories. It’s luck people, it’s luck, it’s all luck, stop been so smug.

I’m fit(ish), I’m healthy, I work out, I took my pre natal supplements, I’ve excellent health care, my OBGYN is a god send, none of it makes a difference. It’s luck people, it’s all luck. If you manage to have carefree pregnancies, a wonderful birthing experience & a baby who sleeps, congratulations you won the lotto. Appreciate your winnings & be mindful not to be too smug about it all.

I’m a pretty positive person there’s no way I would have had a second child only that I’m a positive person. The first two pregnancies brought there challenges but I faced them all through vomit, nausea & pain, but I still won. I left the hospital both times with a bundle of joy. The third one was exceptionally difficult from the start & I lost. I limped home after a days labour with nothing but a broken heart.

I remember snippets here & there from this time, they follow me through my thoughts daily at the moment. Some bring peace, a lot bring pain & sadness. Nothing can ever prepare you to leave a maternity ward empty handed. Nothing can prepare you for how blase people can be with you when you return home. Out of all the pain I have experienced, most of it has stemmed from how poorly some people treated me during this time & after. The only upside of this was the kindness that others showed.

Some people have treated me like I just spat on them, when I tell them. They look at me with a look of disgust, & run, run as fast as they can in the opposite direction. Others have just avoided me, they wait long enough in their skewed view of time for me to be over “it”. When these people eventually muster up enough courage to contact me, they just ignore my loss.

For those who have been kind to me, to us, they have been mighty. They help let us know it’s other people not us that’s the problem. They have let us know it’s not wrong to talk about our baby or cry about our baby. They have taught us that it’s not us that’s wrong to talk about our loss, but it’s the people that respond inhumanly that are at fault.

I know time will pass, my grief & pain will hopefully subside, but I do believe my memories of this time will not fade easily.

I have two children of my own & I will continue to teach them, some badly needed life skills that I have seen are in short supply out there. I am teaching them that a bit of humility & sympathy will serve the world better, than having yet another self centered, person on this earth. I want to teach my children that sometimes you have to suck up uncomfortable conversations for the good of someone else. I will hopefully teach them to be kind.

To all those who helped me, you’re thought of so dearly, to all of you who didn’t, the hurt your indifference caused me will never be forgotten.