Where are the women?

Apparently BIS has appointed some rich bloke to run a Women on Boards group to champion women executives of FTSE 350 companies.

“I hate the term “champion”. Diana was wearing her indignant face this morning. “I mean it suggests we need someone to champion our cause.”

I was called in early to help decide our line — to be enforced as heavy-handedly as the Freikorps crushing of the Spartacists in 1919, to be sure.

I found some desk space near a large stack of Meccano. I thought it best to hide at first so I could work out who was in today before I made my presence known.

“Oh Dammee.” Remarked a clearly promoted Greg as he glanced through his emails, or most probably twitter (Jeremy has insisted that if we must swear, we use only mild Victorian swear words).

“What’s wrong?” Diana asked.

“I know it’s bourgeois liberalism at its worst but can I get a hashtag where are the women?”

“Doesn’t bother you usually!” Another voice, foreign to me quipped — we are currently offering a huge number of apprenticeships/internships (depending which newspaper we’re talking to) so I rarely recognise colleagues these days.

Jessica was next to breeze in, chuckling into one of Seumas’ recent Guardian blogs, False Consciousness and Enlightening the Working Class. I had wondered why he had been allowed to continue blogging but apparently he has an ever-changing pseudonym (cue Owen Jones gags).

“Jess! So relieved you’re here. What’s our line on this #wherearethewomen thing?” Asked Greg.

“Oh right I get it. I’m a woman and hence I am to decide the line for everything related to woman-kind?”

“Well yeah.. in a word” replied Greg with a sheepish grin.

“You men are all the same!” Diana exclaimed from behind her computer.

An affronted Greg stormed off, I couldn’t quite make out what he was mumbling but I think I may have heard a “hashtag not all men”.

“Dearie me.” Jessica began, “Jezza is currently beating McDonnell with pancake batter and is in Chelsea tonight for the JC4PM tour, there’s no way he’ll affront his supporters and do any work tonight. Besides what’s ham face, Bob the builder and T-May got to say about it?”

“Pork jokes are so old Jessica…”

“I called him ham face from the beginning comrade.”

“This Helen Alexander,” as I appeared perhaps somewhat sinisterly from behind the filing cabinet — “She’s deputising no?”

“What’s your point?”

“Well at least there’s a gender balance…”

“You sound like Ken.”

“Look”, I continued, “I’m not saying we shouldn’t say something — just I’m not sure we should be too holier than thou about it all…”

“Hmm, fair point, badly made.” Jessica pondered for a moment, “Ideally we would get Angela to say something but that all feels a little too ironic.”

“Don’t you think? You mean Maria surely.” Diana asked from behind her computer screen, “She was the one who was only too glad to be Ken’s defence deputy.”

“You keep telling yourself that Diana.” Jessica muttered and then as she returned to her twitter-feed her eyes rolled to the back of her head once again.

“What is it?”

“What else?” She threw her phone across the table to me, slouching authoritatively in her seat. “A petition. Momentum are doing a petition about the BIS committee and targeting it at Sam and Mary Cam.”

“But Momentum are entirely separate from…” I began in vain.

“Keep telling yourself that Sydney. Jez has signed it.”