Holiday Grief Guide, Part I: Communication

Losing a child is the worst heartache in the world, but navigating loss is even harder when we expect others to anticipate our needs without communicating them. In a perfect world, everyone would know what to do and say; in reality, no one does. Expect people to read your mind, and you will most certainly be disappointed. Here are some tips from moms who have been there to help you avoid communication meltdowns:

• Advance Planning. Make sure you discuss holiday plans ahead of time and find a strategy that works for both you and your partner. Remember that you might have different outlooks on how to spend your time and that’s ok — one of you might want to avoid family and friends altogether, while the other might feel compelled to surround themselves with loved ones. Talk it out in advance so you’re on the same page and act as a team. If you do decide to spend time with others, plan breaks to get some fresh air and check in, and always have an exit strategy.
• Manage Expectations. Make sure those close to you know that this will be a difficult holiday for you, and manage your own expectations of what you’ll be able to handle. If you usually bring dessert for the holiday meal but can’t deal this year, let your host/hostess know so that they can make alternate plans. If you’re attending a gathering and want to sneak out early, mention ahead of time that you may not be able to stay long to avoid an awkward exit. You can jump back into your usual traditions when you’re ready. Do yourself a favor and take a break this year.
• Ask For What You Need. This sounds so simple, but it gets complicated when we can barely keep track of how we’re feeling in between emotional highs and lows following a loss. We feel others should know what we need and so we don’t bother asking, but then we end up disappointed, frustrated, and feeling misunderstood. Do everyone (especially yourself) a favor this year and feel validated in expressing yourself and what you need when you feel it. If you feel vulnerable at a holiday party and want your partner to stay by your side as you greet people, let him/her know you need that support. If you’re feeling overwhelmed watching children open gifts under the family tree, ask a family member to take a walk with you. Whatever is right for you in that moment is valid — empower yourself to ask for it.
• Choose a “Holiday Buddy.” There will undoubtably be well-meaning but misguided comments or actions from family, friends, and/or acquaintances that send you into a fit of rage, a heap of tears, or somewhere in between. Make sure you have a buddy — whether it’s a Mommy Interrupted peer, an old friend who knows you well, or a new friend who just gets it — and ask them to be “on call” for texts or calls when you need a friendly ear to field frustrations. Hopefully, with a support system in place, you’ll be able to laugh off the hurtful comments and find your zen again. And remember there is support outside of your friend and family circle should you need it — child loss bereavement organization Compassionate Friends runs a 24/7 hotline — just dial (630) 990–0010.