Here we go. After countless episodes of ‘draft and discard’ i’m finally coming out of my cave and sharing my lunacy with you good people. It was always only a matter of time before I ran out of distractions and diversions to keep me from typing my way into oblivion but here I am. I knew I’d come around eventually but i guess i kind of hoped my thoughts would simmer down before i got to this point, they have not so lets get to it shall we.
I’ll preface my ramblings by letting you guys know none of this is premeditated and i dont foresee myself reading over it. So if you cannot deal with poor punctuation and or grammar feel free to exit stage left, honestly i don’t really want you here anyway.
What brings me here is a combination of frustration and some sense of entrapment. They say the world works in mysterious ways (i can atest to that from multiple life experiences) and this is one of those mysteries. I’ve come back to my safe space in humble Peterborough, Ontario in an attempt to cool off a little bit. Life and the powers that be dictated that i uproot myself a few months back and re-settle (well attempt to) in buttfucknowhere or as it’s commonly known around these parts Winnipeg, Manitoba. I’m back “home” to visit and celebrate my friends and collegues receiving their Bachelor’s and Bachelorette’s degrees (fuck the system) emerging proudly and graciously from the valley of the shadow of debt. In the midst of all the hysteria and excitement i find myself sweating buckets and struggling to sleep, inexplicably uneasy and searching frantically for some peace of mind. However the more i try to do this the hotter it seems to be getting so i have decided to just let it boil over and see where this train of thought leads me.
There was something inherently fucked up about the sole convocation ceremony I attended. Don’t get me wrong seeing my people glow ranks way up there as one of the proudest moments in my life. I sat with them as they knocked back horrible cups Tim Horton’s and burnt through endless packs of death-sticks, fighting through research papers and revision schedules. It is not easy, it was not easy and they deserve all the plaudits for coming out of 4 years of “higher learning” with their heads firmly attatched to their shoulders. You guys are all fucking amazing.
However something rankled me amongst all the pomp and splendour, it was all for a piece of paper. This university was putting on this celebration and these festivities just to hand a person a piece of paper. An expensive piece of paper that unless you are an exception of some sort (scholarship, the child of an oil tycoon, a rich bastard) you would end up working a stupid amount of years to pay for. If we rewinded 4 years, give or take a few for some, one came into this educational institution with fresh hope, tons of ambition, little to no facial hair and hardly a year removed from asking “Sir” or “Ma’am” for permission to go take a tinkle. Now they emerge supposedly mature, well educated, battle tested and debt slaves. Because i’m an ass I asked a few people what was next, you know “now you’re an adult what’s on the horizon?” almost all the answers centred around the common theme of i haven’t a fucking clue. Some in my opinion unfortuante souls (unless you’re a rich bastard or on scholarship) proclaimed their hopes to continue digging their way deeper into debt slavery and learn more useless shit, I wish them all the best, genuinely. Everyone else however looks or feels lost so what was it all for?
Anyway i’m tired now and don’t want to type anymore so i’ll leave ya with this. This whole thng is pretty fucked up and clearly broken but we’re perpetuating it by continuing to blindly follow. As a Zimbabwean (things are tough at home) I really don’t see any other way to create a better life for my family than to also perpetuate the system and get my piece of paper so I too can also not know what I want to do. Granted some have figured it out and landed themselves “good jobs” doing nothing that really matters, more power to you guys i wish i could be like you, maybe when i grow up. I guess this is my problem with it all. What the fuck are we doing? Like i said whole thing is broken and no one seems to really care. How long can we just keep going along with it before we hit a brickwall and we are in debt, living with mum and dad or tired of being paid like peasants to do nothing of significance? I for one am quite tired of this place. I dont really wish to live beyond 50 (i hope man like death isnt reading). Everyone seems distracted by everything and no one seems to care that we are being bent over at every turn. Perhaps i think too little of you and you do care and like me you dont have the answers for the questions i raise, i dunno. Perhaps i think too much about everything happening around me and so i struggle to see all the good you guys seem to be so happy about, i dunno, whatever man.
I hope this made sense to you if you’ve your taken time to read it, if it did not i wish i could say i am sorry but im trying to lie less these days. Perhaps next time i’ll take more care to frame my thoughts, i’m just trying to get some rest and slow down my meltdown lol, stay hydrated and cool my dudes — love from a madman to you.