That time I was mansplained to on a plane for ten hours

Monica Wulff
Aug 8, 2017 · 6 min read

There’s something undeniably exciting about the first hour of a flight. From settling into your seat, to ruffling through the amenities kit, and checking what movies are on offer for the next few hours — it’s easy to get excited about having precious alone time on a long-haul flight. That is, until the person sitting next to you decides to make every minute of your journey together uncomfortable… from the very second they sit down. This is what happened to me during a recent work trip to Berlin.

Flying out from Sydney, I knew I was in for a solid 24-hours of travel, but what I wasn’t prepared for was being seated next to someone who immediately judged me on face-value as a young, blonde, female — who needed advice on what to do with her life in order to make her short time on this planet worthy. Worthy in his eyes, I might add. None of what was about to happen was for my benefit.

The man in question was tall, a few years older than me and seemingly friendly at first. We began with the usual shoptalk and banter that most people endure when they’re lumped next to each other for ten hours. But it didn’t take long for the conversation to change tact. We had barely started taxiing off the runway when the chatter from my neighbour started to increase. I just wanted to look out the window… But as he continued to talk about his Danish wholesale fashion company, all I could do was hope he’d have a few drinks later and fall straight asleep. I was surprised he was still talking. I’d assumed by this point that we’d done the polite chit-chat and I’d be free to put on my headphones and think about the next few days ahead of me.

But since my new-found friend didn’t seem like he was going to stop talking anytime soon, I took the chance to get a word in, and decided to talk about my business. After all, that’s why I was on the plane in the first place. I told him about my startup and about the impact our statistics had. I told him I was on my way to represent Australia at a conference in Europe. And while he appeared to be listening, what he was really doing was looking for an opening to give me his very superficial opinion on the world I inhabit each day. A world that I am creating alongside my co-workers and an amazing community of startup entrepreneurs. A world he knows nothing of.

Mr. X (let’s just give him a name because you’re gonna hear it a lot) doesn’t waste a second to tell me the startup world isn’t something he’s particularly familiar with. In fact, it’s not a world he cares to become familiar with. His company as it appears, has more than 70,000 employees. And while none of this fazed me in any great deal, I did note that this was the first time a person from a large, corporate organisation admitted to having no desire to ever understand anything about the startup community.

As the plane started taking off, the conversation suddenly became more personal. With two children under the age of five, Mr. X couldn’t believe I was 29 years old and that I didn’t have kids of my own. Adding to his chagrin was the crazy, out-there notion, that I actually don’t have any plans to have children in the foreseeable future, and that my focus was on in fact on myself and my business. I told him the idea of having kids was “my choice, and not a priority at the moment.”

This then lead to a further 15-minute conversation, in which a complete stranger fiercely started dictating the importance of kids at my age — and how this should be my sole priority. My favourite phrase of the moment became his “a life for a life” quote, which he had used to imply that I had solely been given life as a woman to give life to others. I used to wonder how dramatic situations on planes used to arise seemingly out of nowhere, and now I understand.

Normally, I would have been raging by this stage — spouting loud and proud that he had no right to tell me anything about myself, my body, my mind, or my future. But here we were, on a plane, thousands of feet in the air and I had to sit next to this man for the next ten hours.

So I did what I could. I remained forceful, unwavering in my stance that I didn’t have to put with his attitude — and that no girl or woman should ever have to put up with this kind of treatment, no matter what situations they find themselves in. I calmly asked Mr. X what gave him the right to tell me what I should do with my body or what life decisions I should make. And of course, he had no real answer. He couldn’t even get over his shock that I hadn’t automatically conceded to his beliefs and train of thought. Oh, my, a woman with an opinion about her body? How dare I? With no genuine response to offer me, Mr. X then hit a new low. He decided to tell me about the female reproductive system and fertility. All I could do at this point was ask him how he would feel if I tried to tell to him about his body, his reproductive organ, or his purpose. Besides the fact that he had no right to discuss any of these issues with me, he also failed to recognise how uncomfortable he was making me — especially seeing as I was traveling alone and I was stuck next to him with nowhere to go. How was I going to relax now? How was I going to be able to sleep knowing this person was sitting right next to me?

Finally, I recognised (albeit a bit late), that there was no reasoning with a man like this. My argument that I was an independent human being, with the right to live my life as I see fit — just as he is doing, did not resonate. It didn’t even touch the surface.

“Just give me five minutes to explain”, he says.

“I’ve given you 30 minutes already,” I shoot back. “When I get back from the bathroom, i am not speaking to you for the rest of my flight.”

Why did I have to be put in this situation? Why did the very beginning of a long and stressful work trip need to be marred by an experience like this? Why did I have to be forceful and ask to not be spoken to? And why was this the topic of conversation that this man decided to latch onto? He could have spoken to me about my work, my role, my goals, my experiences — but no, he went for the baby-maker card.

So… Why did I feel the need to share this experience? Because this happens every. Single. Day.

It is just one of thousands of examples where women face uphill battles in all areas of their live, whether it’s at work, in public, at home, behind closed doors, or among friends and relatives.

As a woman who runs her own business, I come across situations like this all too much. It pushes women down, it keeps them down, and it puts roadblocks in front of them when they’re trying to reach their full potential — because instead of getting the chance to work on their business or goals — they’re too busy having to explain themselves to narrow minded sexists who still don’t understand gender equality, personal space and boundaries.

The entire experience made me extremely uncomfortable and preoccupied my headspace for much longer than it should have. And that makes me angry too. I have better things to do with my time. And so do you.

So, what can I do about it all? What can we do about experiences like this?

We can take a long hard look at the unconscious and conscious gender bias that permeates our culture on a daily basis. For many women in business, I doubt my experience on this trip has been surprising. These types of experiences and assertions happen time and time again, in various shapes and forms. Their frequency however doesn’t mean it is allowed or accepted. And the more we let situations like this slide, the more everyone will think they’re tolerable and almost normal. I could easily write that this is the time for women in business to turn the tide, to put a mirror up to sexist behaviour, and to an extent that is a role worth playing, but true cultural change will only happen when all involved recognise and change inappropriate behaviour. That means, for the perpetrating individuals in question — consequences and self reflection for their actions, and for businesses, a cultural redesign with structures that incentives transparency, equality and integrity.

This is what we need to do for ourselves, each other, our sons, and our daughters — whether we’re planning on having them or not.

Monica Wulff

Written by

Tech|Startups|Data|Founder www.monicawulff.com