Rules For Writing The Best Fantasy/Sci-Fi Out There

1. Name The Shit Out of Things

Could it use a “z”? Add a “z and a “k”, don’t skimp now, you’re on you way to being the next Diana Wynne Jones knockoff. Constants are cheap you wannabe Joe Abercrombie, wear that “q” key out.

Does your character have a race? Great, now give me two more words for that race that are used just rarely enough to be utterly confusing for everyone reading your book.

Not sure what to name your world? Put a hyphen in there somewhere so you can use both choices. And while you’re at it, make sure as hell you are 100% ambiguous about whether you’re talking about a world a continent and country or a city. Nobody likes to know things.

If you don’t have at least 15 different races in your world it’s trash. And three of them better not even be mentioned except in some shitty A.V. Club interview you do 15 years after the book comes out, you China Mieville shaped turd.

2. Fuck a plot.

Good person beats bad person. Good guy has sex. And that’s all the goddamned plot you need.

“But how can I fill up the pages?” I can just hear you whining to your poster of a nude William Gibson. You think Tolkien had trouble filling up pages you piece of shit Cormac McCarthy plagiarizer?

Lord of the Rings was about a fucking walk. A walk. Tolkien literally just wrote about the time he went to the incinerator to throw away a necklace he got from a Happy Meal. All he did was add ugly-ass pig people, World War Two metaphors, and a couple of songs about tree sex.

Get a grip. Save the plot for when you’re trying to convince your Twitter crush you didn’t DM them last night because you were drunk. You’re not Hitchcock ya dumb fuck.

3. Fake History is good Fantasy

Out of ideas? No sweat George “I’m never writing the rest of these books you fucking saps” R.R. Martin literally read the Wikipedia page for the War of the Roses while masturbating and came out with Game of Thrones. Your dumbass can do the same thing.

Here, The Boer War with Pirates, The French Indian War on the moon, and that one time you Played Star Wars Stratego. I just gave you ideas for three best selling series and I’m sitting here in my underwear listening to fucking Drake. Orson Scott Card fucking played a game of Risk with some of his homophobic friends and wrote 13 damn books about it. You can too.

4. Nobody Knows What Science Is

You think Isaac “Here are threeish laws that suck” Asimov knew what in the hell he was talking about? No. Ben Bova couldn’t tell what a supernova was to save his life. Neal Stephenson gets all his ideas from the one time he went to the Museum of Science and Industry high on Iawaska. People who read books are dumb.

Just say some shit is an ion and your golden, you fucking little Octavia Butler copycat. Rings are always good. So is quantum anything. And your scientists better hot as shit. Everybody is hot in the future.

That’s the only 4 goddamned things you need to know about this shit. Now quit masturbating to your Haruki Murakami, Arthur C. Clarke and Robert Heinlein threeway fan fiction and go out and write the next fucking Twilight you hack.