Fucking Shit

I feel like utter and total shit. I have been toying with thoughts of suicide. This is disturbing enough to me just reading it to make me wanna stop. But I won’t. Fucking difficult. It’s hard to fucking breathe and live like this. This mental illness, this chemical imbalance in my brain, if that is what it is, is ruining my fucking life. It has been doing so since around 2013. I know that’s not a huge amount of time but that’s a long time for me. I really just want it to stop. I want all the symptoms of this illness to go away. That’s all I fucking want right now. I’m seeing my doctor in about 9 days. I wonder if I should call to make an earlier appointment or not. I probably should, and probably will. Fuck me. This is bad. Bad feeling for me. It just feels bad in my chest, really tense and tight and awful. And these thoughts in my head, false notions intrusive things whatever you call them, fuck with me as well. Just diabolically black dark shit that I don’t even care to get into. Well it’s mostly a lot of fucked up disturbing shit. That’s all. My problems are fucked. FUCKED. shit. I hope I get better soon. I really do. I am getting caught in this depressive state just due to the anxiety, the feeling in my chest, the false notions screaming at my in my head, all of which are relentlessly happening all the time. I will make it though. I will progress through this shit like an uphill snow trek. And come out of the other side totally symptom free and feeling wonderful. I will make it happen.