Fat & In Love aka STOP DATING DOWN
Sometimes, the hardest part about being a fat or plus-size person isn’t your own relationship to your body, it’s the relationship that other people have with you and your body.
What am I getting at?
Your love life aka sexy times!
Can we take a moment for some Real Talk™ real quick? Because I see so many smart, beautiful, hilarious, and fucking fantastic plus-size and fat people in shitty relationships.
And, I don’t want to come across as making judgements of other people’s love lives. This really does come from a place of love. I see it in people who I know who are fat, who are not with partner(s) that are as awesome as them. This is not an exclusively fat person phenomena either but I observe it more with people of size.
It’s so frustrating when I see smart/funny/beautiful/dynamic people, and they end with a partner that is kind of bland or doesn’t have a sense of humor or just aren’t a good match for them.
It makes me sad, because the people that I know are incredible and they deserve equally awesome partners.
Stop Compromising Yourself
Do you find yourself compromising on the quality of your partner? This could be anything from the quality of your partner (saying things like, “Oh, they’re not that smart/funny/god-looking, etc, but it’s fine!”) to finding yourself acting out some 1950’s housewife bullshit.
Oftentimes, fat or plus-size partners will find themselves saddled with a majority of the emotional labor (you listen to them, but they don’t listen to you), and the actual physical labor of keeping your home clean/running. (Ex: You’re always the one cleaning, while your partner hangs out in front of the TV.) If you’re reading this and nodding, chances are you’ve undersold or undervalued yourself, and you find yourself making too many excuses for your partner(s).
Even worse, is that some friends and clients (and friends who are clients), find themselves doing things sexually they don’t really want to do, in order to keep their significant other “around.”
Oh, hell no.
They’re Taking Valuable Energy
And while we have companionship in the short term, relationships like this do have longterm consequences.
Not only are they a hit to your self-esteem and self-worth, but by keeping your kind-of-shitty partner(s) around, you give up space for someone (or several someones!) to come into your life. Crappy relationships take us away from looking for other opportunities. You have to make room for what you want in life.
Being Lonely is Okay
There are a few reasons folks end up in these relationships, but mostly, it’s a fear of loneliness.
We all want emotional intimacy. Fat people don’t get a lot of love in the scheme of things, and I think that makes us feel less than worthy. We compromise when we’re feeling that loneliness. If you’re lonely and not finding that partner, build other relationships for a while. Do something with yourself, and spend extra time being loving and kind to yourself.
Also, get moving! If you’re filling your life with love of other forms, then love will come. But it can’t be a you sitting alone on your couch being sad. For certain seasons in your life, you won’t have a partner. And that’s okay. Work on being the best damn partner to yourself, and setting up expectations on how you want to be treated.
Because this is such an emotionally fraught topic, I’ve created a worksheet to help you identify what traits are important to you in a partner. All you need to do to get it right now is provide your name and email. This worksheet has different sections, but my personal favorite is, “Nice to Haves” — traits or characteristics you want your partner to have, but aren’t deal breakers.
Much like you need to make space for fantastic lovers and partners, you also need to have some way to identify them when you meet them! If you don’t consciously know what it is you want and need, the likelihood of finding it becomes smaller. Spend some time thinking about these questions and then you can prioritize what matters most to you.
And, if after reading this, you find yourself wanting to overhaul how you approach romantic relationships in your life, let’s set up a consultation. We’ll have a great chat, laugh about past flings/partners, and I’ll discuss a few ways to make measurable improvements in your life.
It is completely free and no skeezy sales pitches, I promise. Really.
Originally published at www.morganelizabethbrown.com.