Rust Cohle Wants To Get You Into A Brand New Lincoln MKC Today!
Take a look at the TV for an hour. How many car commercials do you see? Five? Ten? Doesn’t matter. These cars are cages. We sit in them everyday, confining ourselves to a small metal coffin just to get to the next greasy all-night fast food joint.
Fact of the matter is, Man wasn’t meant to sit quietly while traversing the steel and concrete hellscape of the 21st century. Remaining stationary while the world moves around you goes against your natural instincts. Why else do some people get motion sickness? Humans are at their most raw form in the jungle, climbing trees, foraging for berries, eating whatever grubs they can get their filthy paws on. Those are our primal functions. Wild. Unhindered. Acting on fear and instinct alone to achieve one goal: Survival.
But we weren’t satisfied with that. Survival became easier and easier as we invented new things to make life more comfortable. We banded together, formed societies, created rules and guidelines to define the way we do things and what we want in life. And lemme tell ya, it wasn’t fuckin’ berries. We stopped hunting for food, started hunting for deals. Somewhere along the way, Humans became a race of consumers. Endlessly buying new products and tossing aside the old ones. We always want things cheaper, better, faster. Now it’s all one big wheel, turning and turning until we finally kick off from this dusty rock and have nothing to show for it but a trash can full of old junk.
That’s the Lincoln difference. Lincoln not only outlasts the competition, but J.D. Power & Associates ranks Lincoln number 1 in quality. And every Lincoln comes with a 10,000 mile warranty and 3 years of service.
Lemme ask you something — do you have any fuckin’ idea how many new cars come out every year? A whole helluva lot, I’ll tell you that much. But there’s nothing more pathetic than some asshole getting in his car and thinking he’s something more than sperm that got lucky. Any idiot can buy a car if they’ve got the cash. Simply having a car doesn’t make you special. But that’s what some people like to think. Humans are essentially just different variations of the same parts: eyes, nose, hair, skin, teeth, muscles, fat. Everyone wants to believe they’re unique in their own way, like Mom told you when you were 7. We want desperately to believe the lie, but truth be told, we’re all the same. Man’s struggle isn’t for survival anymore, but for an identity. And we’re identified by the things we consume. So wouldn’t you want to be identified by the best?
Lincoln stands for luxury and elegance. That’s our commitment to you. And every 2015 Lincoln MKC features leather-trimmed seating, an all new leather-wrapped steering wheel, aluminum and wood accents, and an active noise control cabin.
Listen, I know what you’re thinking. “How can this car define my whole being? Has the sum of everything I’ve accomplished thus far been meaningless?” Well, take a look at this car and answer that for yourself. The Lincoln MKC ranks highest in the nation for luxury crossover customer satisfaction. When you’re sitting in your cubicle, sipping your Starbucks and reading BuzzFeed, does the boss ever come up to you and say, “Hey, you’re ranked highest in the nation for paper pushing”? Hell, even if you were the best, no one would care. You’re only the best until the next guy comes along. So why keep fighting? Why keep trying in vain to prove you’re the best at work, the best at sports, the best lover? Sure, some people might remember you, but in the end you die a frail, quivering mass — already a ghost of the once accomplished person you were.
So stop fighting. Stop trying. Accept the fact that long after you’re gone, the Lincoln MKC will still be there. A monolith attesting to your passion for excellence with its 2.0 liter EcoBoost® engine quietly idling on your grave.
