Urban Outfitters’ Controversial Designer Has A New Innocuous Fall Line

Okay, Okay. I’m sorry. I know now the Kent State sweater was a bad idea. I bungled up the Fall line big time, but I think you’re really gonna like this new batch of hot fashion for the youngsters.

Now, hear me out. I’m on the level. I’m hip to all the grooves these Millennials are tweeting about. I know what the kids want these days. Plain and simple, they want to learn about very depressing history and the newly revised fall line has got just that.

First up is an important piece of gear everyone will need when they head out on a rainy day for a warm cup of the ol’ Starbuck.

This stunning umbrella is ready to go whenever a spritzing comes a’tappin. Made from the finest plastic, this is a staple for every cool cat walking in the rain because, hey, public transit is for squares, right? And this bad boy is affordable too, so you can always be reminded of those levees breaking without breaking the bank.

Next on deck, we have a stylish hat inspired by the man, the myth, the legend himself: Augusto Pinochet.

Yowza. Forget Tony Danza, when you’ve got this hat, you’re the boss! This military style hat will make you the talk of the town, whether they like it or not! The hat is made from a cotton blend hand-crafted by the oppressed workers you’ve ruled with an iron fist for the past 15 years. But who cares when you look so dashing! [Side note: who wore it best— El General or our model Piper?]

Our next piece is a comfy graphic tee that’s sure to get folks right in the feels (feelings for those who aren’t hip).

Nostalgia, right? What a thing. The ability to remember stuff. Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about. This fitted t-shirt features a sentimental postcard reminding us to give thanks (or in this case “Tanks”) for the capability to recall the past. Wear this shirt at a graduation, a wedding, heck, even a funeral. Your family and friends will thank you for your thoughtful fashion decisions.

Last but certainly not least, we have a slick pair of shoes that are sure to heat up your Fall.

Ah, who could forget the good ol’ age of the dirigible. The gargantuan inflatable phallus, gently floating through the sky like a big happy whale. But all good things must come to an end and the airplane took over sky travel for some reason. Anyway, these shoes are a great way to remember the leisurely days of the late 1930s. Made from grade “A” canvas, these cool slip-ons will make you feel like your walking on air!

That’s all I got for now, so please remember these good products I designed and forget that silly sweater. I hope the Urban Outfitters brand will remain a popular go-to for happening young people, despite my “epic fail”…

Hold on.

My boss just walked in. I’ve been let go. He’s not a fan of these hip new duds. Christ. I really needed this job. I’m deep in debt and my wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t come up with some dynamite new products. Oh God. I can’t lose you Beth. This is a nightmare.

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