Alabama Church: “Jesus is Burning in Hell”
Controversial Pastor Claims Christ Was “Woke Homosexual”
Hanging Tree, AL — Of the estimated 210 million Christians nationwide, most believe Jesus died on the cross to atone for the sins of mankind. Not so, says Bill Drano, 75 year old pastor of Burning Cross Baptist Church in Hanging Tree, Alabama.
“That’s the big lie,” says Drano. “You want to know what the big lie is, that’s it. Jesus didn’t die for our sins, he was crucified because he was a woke homosexual. In fact, he’s burning in hell right now.”
Drano’s church is no stranger to controversy. Members of the congregation have attracted widespread media attention for their inflammatory anti-gay rhetoric and confrontational tactics, such as disconnecting firehoses at the scene of house fires, which they view as God’s punishment for America’s increasingly “woke, gay agenda.”
“Do you know who says ‘love your enemies’?”, Drano asks. “Rump rangers, that’s who. When Jesus said turn the other cheek, he wasn’t talking about face cheeks. He was talking about butt cheeks.”
Most theologians take a different view, citing Christ’s alleged celibacy. Others suggest that Christ was probably heterosexual, and may even have had a more than platonic affection for Mary Magdalene.
“She was a fag hag,” snorts Drano, “it’s as simple as that. This was a bunch of dudes lounging around in their bathrobes, washing each other’s feet, anointing each other with oil — basically oiling each other up — because that’s what the gays do before they get busy.”
“For verily I say unto you,” says Drano, quoting scripture, “thou shalt not go unto thy neighbor to looketh upon him in the fullness of his nakedness, nor shall he come unto you but that thy loins be girded round about. And do not be shut up in the rooms with him if he be naked, neither shalt thou showest thyself to thy neighbor in the fullness of thy nakedness lest ye be vexed unto the last. For if thou takest oil into a room with a man to anoint him, and he be naked, go out from there lest ye suffer temptation.”
Drano continues: “And anointest thou not a naked man with oil nor salves, neither on his legs nor his buttocks, but if ye go unto thy neighbor to anoint him with oil and he be uncovered, and ye be tempted to lie with him, go away from there and rend thy garments lest ye fall into shame. And neither shalt thou cleave unto a womanly man, nor go unto his loins, nor his buttocks, for this is an abomination in the sight of the Lord God Jehovah.”
Drano founded Burning Cross Baptist Church in the 1970s, after learning that the men’s restroom at a nearby park was a notorious “tearoom” — a popular hotspot for anonymous homosexual activity. Determined to stamp out the clandestine immorality, Drano spent hours hiding in the bushes, observing and documenting the unseemly activity. He often spent all night camped out in one of the bathroom stalls, photographing the rampant sinfulness through a makeshift opening called a “glory hole,” eventually amassing hundreds of thousands of sexually explicit images, which he meticulously labeled and organized by date, type of activity, and number of participants.
“God hates fags,” explains Drano, citing the Last Supper as proof that Christ was gay. “Jesus told his disciples to eat his flesh, which is an abomination in the sight of God. The Bible says fill not thy neighbor’s mouth with thy flesh, nor shalt thine own mouth be filled with thy neighbor’s flesh, for these are the firstfruits of wickedness and an abomination unto the Lord thy God.”
According to Drano, the most damning evidence of Christ’s homosexuality was the crucifixion. “Why would God have turned his back on his only begotten son unless he was a big ol’ gay? By crucifying him, the Romans were simply acting as the instruments of God’s judgement. If they hadn’t done it, somebody else would have. If Jesus was standing in that doorway right now, I’d get a gun and shoot that sonofabitch deader’n hell.”
Drano furthermore suggests that anybody who worships Christ is likely a homosexual themselves. “Billy Graham & Jerry Falwell are burning in hell right now because they spent their entire lives worshipping a gay. Which means that they were probably gay and didn’t even know it.”
Drano’s most surprising criticism, however, is reserved for Jehovah himself. “God doesn’t seem to be doing much about the gays,” he sighs ruefully. “I had a word with him, and I told him he’d better watch it, because even God Almighty isn’t immune to judgment. I have been known to whip an ass or two.”
Drano winks slyly. “Praise God.”
