I Get Anxiety From Using the Restroom at Work

Actually…all public restrooms scare me.

Oh, what fresh hell is that smell? I think as I push open the door to the small, cramped men’s room. Stall 1? Taken. Stall 2? Taken. The urinal? There’s a cockroach chilling inside. All of a sudden, I’m overcome with the holy trinity of emotions that all begin with the letter ‘a.’

  • Annoyance
  • Anger
  • Anxiety

What happens if people see me leaving the communal restroom? They’ll naturally think I’ve just pooed. But what if, after not relieving myself, I make my way across the floor towards the “personal” restroom meant for one occupant? It’s not personal. It’s closer to where I can be seen entering or exiting! Going into that restroom simply elevates the judging that takes place from my co-workers. What’s even worse is if they see me going from the communal restroom to the “personal” restroom. Hello, office gossip about my non-existent digestive problems!

And what do I do if I actually get to use the restroom but it already smells funky when I walk in and as I’m washing my hands, a colleague enters? Do they think I made that smell? Do I say something? Yes, I am human and have probably made a similar smell before but…this time it wasn’t me.

I might as well GO HOME.

Don’t think you’re getting off the hook about this, corporate bathroom designers. You’re all a bunch of useless, flaccid ass hats. I’m not asking for the stalls to be fully equipped with a TV screen so I can stream an episode of Chewing Gum. I’m not requesting a robot attendant who, instead of handing me a paper towel, hands me a motivational quote to inspire the next 45 minutes of my day.

I’m asking for the basics:

  • Leg room (airplanes have that!)
  • Effective ventilation (this was invented in, like, the late 18th century)
  • Privacy (do I neeeeeed to know Clifford is shitting his heart out because the partition doesn’t reach the floor and I can still see his shoes?).

No, my fellow colleagues. All of the reasons I get anxiety trying to go to the restroom are not being placed on you. That would be unfair. With that being said, I’d still like to remind you to be the opposite of gross. That’s right.

Even if you’re in a rush, don’t forget to flush.

Put that on a t-shirt.