When You Know It’s Time to Move Out

So we’ve come to the end of the road

[The below is a work of fiction mixed in with real life experiences. Don’t be so vain to think this song is about you…]

Before I even opened the door, I could hear this adorable whimpering coming from the other side. I knew this sound all too well but it couldn’t be what I thought it was. Our apartment didn’t allow for pets, after all. So, I inserted my key, turned the lock and pushed the door open to find the cutest chocolate lab puppy crying under the small kitchen table up against the main wall in the fairly small common space.

When he or she saw me, it jumped to its feet and raced towards me, going onto its hind legs and barking in the cutest way at me. I dropped to one knee and started petting this super lovable motherfucker and called out for my roommate Lyle. He didn’t respond but I immediately say a big bag of dry dog food leaning against the lower cabinets beneath the sink.


After another round of shout outs, Lyle still didn’t answer. The dog stayed near my ankles barking and jumping on me looking for love. The dog was cute but I was immediately hit with a certain level of fear. Our landlord would definitely be able to use this against us if needed and it was a potential stress that I just didn’t need in my life.

I popped over to Lyle’s bedroom but the door was open and he was nowhere to be found. I shot him a text asking about the dog and he immediately responded.

“🐩!!!! Cute yeah?? Be home soon. It’s Dana’s”

Dana was Lyle’s girlfriend. Dana was not a roommate. Dana is allowed to have a dog but Dana is not allowed to just leave it at someone else’s apartment without everyone’s approval.

That’s. Just. Fucking. Rude.

I’ve known Lyle for a couple of years now. We met at some going away party and clicked straight away. He’s almost more obsessed with the mafia than I am, we both love cooking Japanese cuisine despite both being from the Midwest and we can both find ourselves in heated debates over Batman. Yeah, we sound like losers but it’s worked so well even over the last couple of years as roommates.

All was fine until Dana showed up.

She stayed over so much, I asked if she wanted to help with utilities. I knew her brand of tampons, for crying out loud. Why did I know that? It was exceptionally upsetting when I would hear her manipulate Lyle into thinking he was constantly in the wrong. He was whipped and our only arguments were ever about Dana.

I started dating a girl around the same time he met Dana but things were completely different. She was a goddess. She was a stylist, had representation by some reputable agency in the fashion industry and saw past my geekiness. Both of our respective groups of friends joked about how sick it was that we were so into each other but I couldn’t help it. I already mentioned she was a goddess, didn’t I?

It was about a year into our relationship and both of our leases were coming up for renewal. It was she who brought up the topic of potentially living together. Living with a girlfriend would be new territory for me but at 32, I feel like I might be ready. This wasn’t my first serious relationship but it was the first time that it felt right.

Call it a rash decision but in the moments of me finding this random dog and Lyle texting me no acceptable answer as to why it was here, I knew it was time for me to move out. With the dog yapping at my heels, I went into my room to pack an overnight bag.

I’d let Lyle know soon enough.