I Was Never Welcome

It’s been a while since I’ve written a decent blog post, one that cuts deeper. I often respect those that write such personal things about themselves. Just last week, I finished the book ‘Reasons To Stay Alive’ by Matt Haig (a book I strongly recommend, by the way) and all I kept thinking was how amazing he was at capturing everything personal so clearly and vividly. The book is about depression; the long road it takes to feel better, the feelings you get along the way, the challenges you face on the daily and so on. It’s not a sad book, it’s just very deep and personal. I admire writers who can do that.

That’s what this blog post will, hopefully, be like. It’s not a cry for help, it’s sharing something about me. Mostly, a confusing thought.

There is a part in a Fort Minor song, ‘Welcome’, that hits the point I’m going to make later on.

This is my spot that I’m taking back
Get at me punk
I was made for that
Ya’ll don’t really even know what you’re aiming at
So far back what’cha waving at
Ya’ll can’t see the stage that I’m playing at
And ya’ll hating that

Confused? Let me explain.

This Is My Spot

One thing was always clear to me: I was going to have a creative job in a work environment that would challenge me on a daily basis. Whatever it took, that was going to be my fulltime occupation, I was going to make things (“Get at me punk, I was made for that”). This, obviously, meant that I needed to build up the necessary skills. So, I started a YouTube channel and created a sh*tload of videos. I experimented with different editing software, gave all my money to cameras and gear, learned about storytelling, … I grew, developed my skill and at the same time: Became the weird kid.

There’s something weird about being a vlogger. You talk to a camera and upload that for everyone to see. My YouTube channel, however, always had a clear goal. For me to have a place to learn and grow as a video content creator, to try new things and to just have fun. Sadly, as a hobby like this is very personal, my YouTube channel often became the punchline in a heated argument with people. Whenever I had a fight with someone, sentences like “hey no-friends, go be alone in your room and talk to a camera, will ya” weren’t unusual. They were very common. I often asked myself why because … Well, why? (“Ya’ll don’t really even know what you’re aiming at, So far back what’cha waving at”).

I think the reason people don’t like vloggers is mostly because no one truly understands the medium yet. And I think the reason people use my vlogging as that punchline is because they never got to see the bigger picture it always had for me. (“Ya’ll can’t see the stage that I’m playing at, And ya’ll hating that”). Which I understand, I do. It’s not normal, to sit alone in your room and talk to a camera. But what is normal, really? Normal is subjective. There are billions and billions of people on this planet, and all of them have their own “normal”. My normal was a goal, a mission.

This Path I’ve Taken

Today, I am a content creator at Snackbytes. I’ve been working here for the past two years and over time, I’ve grown into a position where I now help others to create better online videos. If I did not learn to make videos or learn to tell stories by doing that on YouTube, I would not be in the position that I currently am. My goal was to turn this passion, this hobby, into my fulltime job. And that is exactly what I did.

However, just prior to writing this post, someone used this path again during an argument. And again, it throws me off and leaves me wondering: Why?

I never knew how this would all unfold. I was just trying hard. I was never a person with a lot of friends (I can still probably count them on one hand), I was mostly left out on all the cool kids their things, I was never truly welcome because of a passion. I had a mission, at the time where you were supposed to be young and not give a f**k about tomorrow. But my brain just isn’t wired like that, I had a goal and I went for it.

Funny, right? How no one seems to see or understand this? To be fair, it’s mostly something in my own head. My mind has some pretty intense things going on and that’s the beauty of it all … No one else can see them. And at the same time: that’s the sh*t of it all, too.

Ain’t no way to shut me down
Or to take this path I’ve taken
And maybe I’ve been left out
But never let this be mistaken
They can keep their blessing now
Forget me now
’Cause I was never welcome
‘Welcome’, by Fort Minor
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