“Execution’s the best bit,” or how I had my meeting with the debt collectors

Last week I received a letter from “██████ Legal Services”— official headed paper, complex legal definitions, threats laid out in bold font— demanding access to my flat through an application for a “Warrant of Entry,” with a court hearing date set for today, 2nd March 2016.

I rang the telephone number on the letter and spoke to a member of their team. “Why do you need to access my flat?” “Because we need to access the metre.” “Which metre?” “The metre for Flat C.” “But I’m Flat B.” “Our employer wants us to access your flat.” “On what grounds.” “To access the metre.” This went on and on.

I asked him what ██████ Legal Services was — “are you a law firm?” — “no” he replied “we’re a debt collection agency.” I asked him why they call themselves a “legal services” company. That’s just our “trading name” he informed me. A little like the mafia masquerading as a launderette, I mock, awaiting the silence that would follow. “Yeah” he replied, “pretty much.”

So that confirmed what this was about — unpaid electricity and/or gas bill by another flat in the building, their wish to fix a prepayment metre as a penalty — but it was still wholly unclear why my flat, which contains only my gas and electricity metres, was of concern to them. It appears this was no more than a scattergun deployment of threatening letters, aimed at no particular target, or any and all feasible targets, bringing Warrants of Entry in courts, in the hope of somehow resolving the situation. The bill, or part thereof, being footed by the Courts & Tribunals Service. By the British taxpayer.

Not to mention the questionable modus operandi of preying on the vulnerability of the recipients of these letters. Not to mention the fact that the prepayment metres that this company seeks to fit on houses of those people who don’t pay their bills charge for gas and electricity at such an inflated rate to the standard metres that one failure to pay a bill for basic services — services we cannot, should not expect others, to live without: lighting, energy to cook your children’s food, heat your home, power for internet access — will force the already financially burdened, already struggling, already suffering under the weighty foot of those better off in society, will force them into a greater and greater spiral of poverty that will ensure that out of such a vortex never shall they climb.

When I went to the court this morning, waiting in line to find which room the hearings would be in, I stood behind two people, overheard their conversation: “Who do you work for then?” the woman asked. “██████ Legal” the man replied. The very company who had sent me the letter. “How is it?” she asked. “It’s alright, nice family environment, you like it where you are?” “Yes” she replied “but these can get a bit boring, I want to get into the execution bit.” “Yeah” said my man from ██████, “execution’s the best bit, got to get into that.”

Execution, I thought. Is that what I think it means? As in, the execution of the warrants, as in the removal of families from their homes, the taking of TVs and laptops and anything else of value, the loud bang on the door by beefy enforcers, threatening, kicking while you’re down. I’m not absolving of guilt those who enter into financial arrangements they can’t afford, who do owe money and should, in most cases at least, have to pay it back. I’m not suggesting capitalism doesn’t have to have the stick to go with its juicy addictive carrot.

No, I’m just taking issue with the glee with which these two debt collectors discussed it. The compassionless way the whole palava is handled. Poverty porn was bad enough, now it’s going BDSM with an emphasis on sadistic.

“Execution’s the best bit, got to get into that.”