Here’s The Leaked Plot For Star Wars: Episode IX (Spoilers)
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Within a package wrapped in brown paper, the complete script and movie bible for Star Wars: Episode IX arrived at our offices this week. It appears not to be the work of a leak, but rather an egregious mistake by Lucasfilm Ltd. and Disney, who most likely scheduled the release of an EPK and accidentally messed up the date and contents.
The film, written by J. J. Abrams and George Lucas, promises to surpass even the conclusions of Lost and Indiana Jones And The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull for whiz bang blockbuster fun. Here’s what the geniuses behind Radioland Murders and Mission Impossible III have in store for us.
Here are the goods (spoilers, obviously)
In these documents, we have learned that Star Wars: Episode IX will run well over two hours, as the many threads of Snoke, the origins of the First Order, etc. need a lot of tying up. Also, new threads need to be created so another trilogy can be teased, and further spin-offs and television programs can be set up.
Within the film are periodic QR codes viewers can scan with their smartphones so they can buy costumes, props, and novelties from the film, all while being less annoying than the cutesy characters they introduce in this installment.
Rey masters The Force, mostly through a series of shots in which she blankly looks into the camera, continuing her visual theme from the previous films. At no point does she take control of the story, showing Disney’s bravery in creating a female lead with no agency.
Rey’s uses of The Force include moving rocks and mind control, as well as making a light saber out of pure Force energy. She founds the have-your-cake-and-eat-it-too Gray Jedi Order, who are allowed to use both the dark and light side of the force, because fuck it, God is dead and jerking off fans is what every franchise feels it has to do these days or wind up like The Maze Runner.
In this final installment of the series, Kylo Ren begins covering up his facial scars with white makeup and black lipstick and eyeliner, listening to The Cure, and walking around everywhere with a copy of The Catcher In The Rye under his arm, while quoting Friedrich Nietzsche. He adds another six blades to his light saber, because more is better, and then boards the plane from Lost, so he can fly to New York to join The Avengers. On the way there he discovers his latent mutant power, the ability to annoy any but the most tragic Star Wars fans, but he doesn’t want to join the X-Men because their fixation on race is a distraction from the real issues.
Unable to follow orders, Poe kills himself when he is told not to “kill himself” over his mistakes in the previous film, all of which resulted in thousands upon thousands of unnecessary deaths. His demise becomes a galactic holiday.
Finn becomes increasingly interesting as a character, setting up his and Rose’s spin-off sitcom (coming to ABC in 2020) about an ex-storm-trooper/storm-janitor and rebel technician who open a bakery on a planet of the gluten intolerant.
Leia’s likeness being thoroughly archived, she continues to appear in Star Wars to the bitter end, finally reversing her own aging process and reverting to her younger self so more Star Wars movies can be sold off the back of her popularity, and the figure she cuts in a bikini.
Chewbacca becomes a vegan in light of his new porg friends, and shaves, revealing that he is in fact LeBron James, who turns to camera and endorses an energy drink.
The First Order discover the Ark of The Covenant, and instructions on how to make more effective weapons within it. By making large, empty ships with hyperdrives, manned by droids, rather than using “turbo lasers” that despite being made of light are somehow slow and have terrible range, the First Order obliterates the rebels once and for all.
After the movie, the audience admits that the previous film was hot trash, and proclaim this one the best ever…
Until the next one.