6/30 WC: 5 Steps to Being a Better Father
I’ll start this off with a disclaimer: I don’t fancy myself as a perfect dad. Far from it. Often when I think about my experiences of staying at home with my boys for a few years, I get nostalgic and then start beating myself up. “Why the hell didn’t I enjoy it more? Why was I so angry and anxious?” Granted this wasn’t all the time, but I had a lot of anguish as a caregiver, cook, and dad. It was all self created though. I felt trapped and mad at myself. I questioned my love for my wife. I stressed and raged about my emotional shortcomings. I blamed these little kids for my own emotional state. (Stupid and selfish, I know.) I had a difficult time with depression and distracting myself with addictions. Guilt and self-loathing was my specialty. It was…I was impossible. So these aren’t manufactured words. They come from my heart and my own experience in trying to be an engaged dad.
Number 1: Take care of yourself first
If you’re a stay at home parent, or find yourself having those feelings of being trapped or beholden to babies and kids for long stretches of time, make damn sure you take time for yourself each day. I was lucky enough to have a partner that gave me an evening off from the house and kids once a week. I was free to go to the library, the pub, or whatever. One of the few joys I had during this time was playing music in a local band. It was a soothing balm for my frayed nerves after dealing with diapers, food, messes and all the tasks of home. It helped me navigate those difficult weeks. I also let her know that she could have an evening off from family responsibilities too.
If you find you don’t have a lot of free time, be sure to ask your partner or another adult if they wouldn’t mind watching the kids. Take a walk, get to the gym, or find any outlet. You can only be a good parent by taking care of yourself. Take breaks and know that you’re not a horrible parent for wanting an evening, or an hour off from those responsibilities.
Number 2: Eat your evening meal together
My mother use to holler at us boys when we were growing up, “time for dinner!”
“I’m not that hungry Mom.”
“You get your ass in here son, it is reflecting time!”

Creating a simple habit of eating together (without TV or screens around) is a good way to connect and engage your family. If you’re anything like me, it can be tough to reason with younglings about eating something or keeping the messes to a minimum, but this time together is precious. Too often we recede to the TV or run away from our families during dinnertime thinking it would be nice to eat in peace. But making effort here helps us grow and sets a good example for our kids to be present and listen to each other’s stories and share time together. It adds up. And reflecting at dinnertime is a great habit towards helping build up your better dad muscles.
Number 3: Plan a vactation
Plan to take a trip somewhere with your family. Getting out of the same routine and the same motions helps to reawaken the reason you’re trying to be a better dad. It is experiencing this life with your kids in a new way. Seeing new vistas, breathing different air, and getting away from those same four walls. I know we all can’t afford expensive trips, but a trip to a local park for a picnic lunch, a camping trip, or even an out of town trip to a distant relative can help to spark a different perspective on your life and that of your family. Aim out a ways, plan and involve the kids and your partner. Be aware that you are the doorway to what this world offers to your children. They see the world through your eyes. Be an inspiration to them by planning a trip to a new place.
Number 4: Practice active listening
This can be difficult for us dads sometimes. But it is also one of the most amazing awakenings you can have as a parent. Turn off the TV and electronic devices. (Better yet, set a time for 20 minutes and turn your attention to your child, get into their head. Try to imagine being them for a few minutes. Identify with them. Now try to use your imagination. And sink deeply into their words, their facial expressions and tone of voice.

If you find yourself breaking off into parent voice or expressions on your own, learn to see or feel come up…then just drop it. You’re practicing actively being present for your kid. Don’t beat yourself up about it, but gently come back to listening intently with a focus and concern. Be active in listening to your child’s needs and stories. And when the timer goes off, gently separate from them or keep on listening. This is an extremely powerful practice.
Number 5: Daily meditation
The benefits of meditation have been expounded upon in many books and courses in the past many years. Up until the past couple decades, scientists believed that the adult brain was set with the number of neurons that it contained when they were born. Now scientists know that neurons can be created up until the moment of death. Neuroplasticity, or the brain’s ability to constantly change its makeup and structure, is observable within all humans. Give yourself a small achievable goal of sitting for 10 to 15 minutes everyday during a quiet time.

I was suffering with anger and rage at myself, my poor habits and my attitude as a father many years ago. I enjoyed music and visiting with others, but at the root I felt my mind was failing me. It was an emotional rollercoaster. I was fortunate enough to be able to meet with others and learn some basic meditation techniques. With time and some persistence, I learned to calm my raging mind a bit. Meditation isn’t a quick fix, but after 30 days you will notice some changes to your mental outlook. This guided mindfulness meditation by Jon Kabat-Zinn is a great place to start. Commit to 30 days of meditation, and watch what effect it has on you and your ability to be a better dad.

Dedicate yourself to exploring and learning how to be a better father. It isn’t always easy, and as dads we can sometimes be our own worst enemies when it comes to dealing with our emotions and reactions to them. With a bit of patience towards yourself and your child(ren), learning how to be a better dad can blossom into one of the best gifts you have every given your family along with helping you grow and learn along the way.
