Leaked! ISIS January Corporate Memo

As you may have heard, the world’s leading terrorist group is having a bit of trouble lately. Despite claims to the contrary by our president, it appears that ISIS’ grip on the militant marketplace is quickly loosening.

As the Washington Post, the Independent and others have reported, ISIS has been hemorrhaging money over the past year. Half of this is due to young, scrappy startups in the terrorist field, who have adjusted to the modern marketplace and courted the youth, just the young, hungry ISIS did back in the salad days of 2013.

The other half is that it turns out people don’t want to live in a theocratic hellhole, as difficult as that might be to believe. Because of this shocking fact, ISIS has taken in less revenue. Additionally, the ransom and oil theft market sectors aren’t as lucrative as they once were due to recent trends in public interest.

But how bad is it for the previously undisputed leader of jihadi terror? Mindwafers obtained a classified memo that is being circulating around the corporate offices of ISIS headquarters. We translated the document using a mix of experts and the latest technology (okay, we used Google Translate). As you’ll see, it appears that things aren’t going so akbar for ISIS…

To: ISIS Sales Staff

From: Abu Bakr “Big Daddy” al Baghdadi

Date: January 19, 2017

Subject: Sales Braindump

Greetings and alluha akbar!

First off, I’m writing you today to gather some ideas for the conference next month. I figured I’d get the ball rolling so we would have something besides Zainab’s presentation on environmentally friendly mortars. We get it, you’re concerned about global warming Zainab, but come on (just kidding! Love you bro!)

I’m sure the rumors have been zipping through the office about low sales figures in 2016 so I thought I would also address the issue. I’m sad to say that there is some truth to the gossip.

Our numbers plunged dramatically last year for various reasons. It appears that our satisfaction surveys are getting worse and worse. We really need to up our services, but I understand that’s hospitality’s department, not yours, so I’ll spare you a lecture (this time, haha).

On the upside, it appears that America voted in a new president named Donald Trump, who was the host of some western TV show that I assume is obscene. Thankfully, he is advocating policies that will surely increase our numbers if he holds true to his words. If everything goes to plan, then we should have new customers knocking down our doors come 2nd quarter 2017.

But I don’t want to count on an American president because, as we’ve seen, they can be quite fickle. Instead, I present to you a few ideas that I’ve had kicking around. I invite feedback from the sales team on how we can implement these strategies.

  1. 144 Virgins

I know we’ve had reasonable success with our 72 virgin guarantee, but in these modern times, our entitled young people want more. I think that a times 2 virgin increase would entice the youth to join our side. While this will take some upfront investment, I feel that it will pay off the long run.

2. Technology Upgrades

Have you heard how Russia has been manhandling elections around the world? They don’t even have to leave the house! I propose that we invest in a complete overhaul of our electronic communications systems to focus on cyberwarfare. For too long, we’ve relied on outdated battlefield tactics that just aren’t working. Technology is the future and I think we need to accept this, despite some of us (Kayoosh, I’m looking at you!) being uncomfortable with using computers. We need to get in the now guys!

3. Fake News

Another idea I picked up from the Russians, who are quickly becoming the new Apple of global disruption. We should establish a fake news department to deliver a disinformation campaign in America. You should see some of the things that these people will believe! Just check out any random Facebook feed and you’ll see stories of Hillary Clinton eating people or a pizza place that organizes a secret, basement pedophile ring. It’s crazy, but it works! We need the most creative minds to come up with the most outlandish tales, focusing on both parties in the American political system. The more insane, the better I say.

Also, we should assign a team to comment below the news stories on sites such as Breitbart and Infowars to inflame division between the two sides. Use phrases like “snowflake” “liberal tears” and “cuck” because those seem to mean something and make people angry. Also, create an avatar using the image of Pepe the Frog (look it up) to further prove your point. A name with “deplorable” in the title also works well.

One more thing: Is anyone good with this Twitter thing? For some reason, this Trump guy is Tweeting all the time. I think a Twitter war would be a great way to whip up some quick interest.

I have tons more ideas but I’ve already given you enough to think about, so I’ll leave it there for now. Please let me know what you think of my proposals and provide any additional ideas you may have swimming around your brain.

If we stick together and remember our common goal then I think we can make 2017 a record year for ISIS Industries.

Thank you for your time,

Big Daddy