Why cutting off Trump funding will create T.R.U.M.P.
Donald Trump’s Tourettes act might be wearing thin after a series of incidents, including an argument with a deceased veteran’s father and insinuating that it’s open season for Hillary Clinton hunting.
If this keeps up, next week he will give the Pope a swirlie, then take a dump in front of a children’s choir.
Republicans have reacted in a Tony Soprano don’t-mess-with-my-money kind of way by threatening to cut off funding for Trump’s presidential campaign. So far, 70 Republican lawmakers have signed onto a petition to strip GOP funding for Trump and divert the money to state and local elections.
Republicans decided to blame Trump if Hillary Clinton wins in November, a truly brave move that will involve John McCain literally throwing Trump in front of a bus outside JFK airport before the body is dumped in the Hudson River.
Reince Priebus ((did anyone else think his name was Prince Reibus? (does anyone wish that his name was Prince Reibus)) is now performing My Fair Lady duty by giving lessons to Trump on how to be more human-like. So far, no progress was reported, but a source says they spotted Priebus shaking his head while smoking a cigarette and muttering to himself on a stoop outside Trump Tower.
None of these actions will help of course. For the more Republicans do to convince themselves that this is all a bad dream, the stronger Trump grows, like a Hulk built on political ill-will.
And if they do indeed strip funding? We will finally then see the emergence of T.R.U.M.P.
What is T.R.U.M.P.?
T.R.U.M.P. is short for Tyrannical Righteousness Undercutting Millennial Progressiveness, the perfect machine to battle the sissificated, PC-ified, tolerant-happy dystopian society that Trump supporters believe they are in.
While Trump might have apologized or walked back a statement on occasion, T.R.U.M.P. does not know the definition of apology. He literally doesn’t know because it wasn’t programmed into the code.
You see, Trump doesn’t die in the Hudson River. The brick tied to his leg fell free and Trump was able to reach the surface within an inch of his life. He was rescued by a panicked Chris Christie, who brought Trump’s barely breathing body to a robotics lab that also contributed to Christie’s campaign.
The doctors in the lab were able to reassemble Trump’s body using a carbon fiber body, LED lights for eyes, and a PC-sensor spanning 500 miles around. Engineers under the command of Moscow developed code to mimic the former Trump’s thinking.
Except with a twist.
While the former Trump’s heart contained 20% emotion and 80% bloviation, the programmers created the first 100% bloviating communication system.
T.R.U.M.P. will no longer be able to feel emotion. He will truly be unfiltered. And no one will be spared.
The public will eat up everything that comes out of T.R.U.M.P.’s robotic voice, likening his speeches to the movie Brewster’s Millions, which some remember as being “kinda funny.”
Republicans will then become Omni Consumer Products, the evil corporation battling Robocop, leading to the annihilation of the dad from That 70’s Show. The American public will cheer on T.R.U.M.P. as he dead-lifts a frightened Mitch McConnell, ripping off his pants before spanking him on live TV. He’ll then expose McConnell’s naked front and quip that, “somebody needs Viagra.”
The public will laugh at T.R.U.M.P.’s joke as our country erodes like poorly refrigerated cheese.
Seriously GOP, give him some money. This is getting hilarious.