Thought and memory.

I see them flitting about my room, just on the edge of my vision. Thought occasionally takes a perch near my ear and whispers. Harsh and intrusive, demanding all of my focus, louder and louder until I yield to it’s voice.

Things are becoming more real again, now that the haze has lifted. Weighing up the options, I know there’s only one path but that doesn’t mean I can’t entertain a notion or two. Watching the city sleep and enjoying the calm in my centre, it’s been a while. No shadows on my heart, no beast on my shoulder. Just thought and memory, circling above me.

Deep breath, taking a few steps back and launching myself off into the void. Grabbing the scaffold and feeling the familiar shockwave of pain race from my shoulder to my hand, taunting it to let go. Not a good idea this high up. Memory landed next to my hand in a mess of wingbeats. Cock-eyed and telling me about the pain. About letting go. The first time I fell.

She stood in front of me and asked if I could. I don’t remember what I said, it was probably a lie. Definitely a lie. Different kind of falling, but if I recall the landing was about the same. Blood and broken bones. A lot of mess. Walking in a half-hearted direction, listening to the rambles over Shostakovich…when was the last time I listened to that. Memory flaps off. Right.

Another day down, the rhythmic clicks of the train echoing off the inside of my skull, breathing just out of time. Leaning back and looking at them swaying on the bar above my head. Thought looks off somewhere in the middle, I recognise the gaze. From where? Memory stays silent and grooms a wing. Whatever. Closing my eyes and waiting for the stop. Feeling like that’s the majority of my life right now.

People are talking and I’m half-aware that I should too. Neither of them are around, I smile and commit to a few sentences. Liquor flows, I don’t need it. For now at least. Questioned and a familiar weight hits my shoulder, raspy clicking voice and I repeat it word-for-word. Feeling another weight. Settling back into a seat and watching the party. They take to swooping the room, just on the edges of my vision.