Recovering
It has taken 10 days, many hours of crying, raging, worrying, panicking and falling in to depression and debriefing with a psychologist to finally start to feel a tad like my normal self again. Up until two days ago my day consisted of looking up flights, monitoring the rapidly filling Calais accommodation and wrestling with my own needs vs the needs of loved ones and (what I feel) are unfair boundaries placed on me. I have felt resentful, suffocated and desperate.
But last night the window of opportunity for me to get back on a plane closed. January flight prices are astronomical and I need to be here in February to do pre-work for my honours year at University. This is something I MUST focus on, because I’ve worked to hard not to give it my best as I have all throughout my degree. I’ve grieved for Calais, grieved for myself and (though today might simply be a “strong” day) I’ve started finding my feet back home again.
Getting outside in nature has helped. Attempting to cook and replicate the food I ate at the 3 Idiots has helped (not sure I was successful!). Taking down the Christmas Tree has helped (I was not full of Christmas cheer this year).
Painting has especially helped. There is something to be said for this art therapy stuff - and of course getting a post reach of more than 8,000 people on one painting on Facebook certainly motivates a person to paint more. Being asked if I would sell paintings of the Jungle has REALLY helped because I can see a way that I could contribute from here. I can raise money and maybe “paint out” the emotion in a way. We’ll see how that goes.
A fellow volunteer who is still in the Jungle also very kindly and generously helped me to organise a kind of late Christmas for my friends in the Jungle, taking in food and supplies and sending me photos. Being able to continue to care for people with the help of others eases my worries.
Though I know many would recommend taking a break from social media and Calais right now, staying connected has helped. I am still living in two time zones and two worlds in many respects but hearing the daily updates, seeing images and chatting with volunteers and refugees from both inside and outside of the Jungle is helping me to re-situate my new place in this, all the way on the other side of the world here in Australia.
The raw emotion and honesty I have put in to this blog appears to have resonated with many. I have been contacted by so many people who say they can relate, and it makes me want to keep learning and understanding this phenomenon, the addiction of aid work, the reverse culture shock, the re-entry trauma. I have downloaded several books on Kindle and ordered also from Dymocks - if they are any good I will be sure to share and promote titles here. Though I wouldn’t wish the emotional rollercoaster on anyone, it certainly helps to realise, this feeling is very, VERY common.
The cross cultural sharing has intensified in a way too. My friends in the Jungle are keen to see images of my life here as much as I am keen to see their updates. I was nervous about sharing, thinking it might upset them, but escapism is something we all seek out from time to time and they tell me that this window in to another world provides exactly that - and periodic relief from the daily grind of the Jungle. I am continuing slowly to expand my Arabic vocabulary and help to correct and improve the speaking and writing of friends in English. These small exchanges have all helped me and I am sure will continue to help.
Whilst not set in concrete I have also made plans to return at some stage, however not for some time (unless I win the lottery!). Having this goal will also give me something to work towards.
I want to thank everyone again who supported me to get to Calais, and now also everyone who gave me the space to fall (spectacularly) apart afterwards, and then also gave me the space to reach this point. I’m feeling stronger, though changed, and no less passionate about working for the rest of my life to help people seeking refuge. I don’t know if I would handle this better second time around, but I do know that I will give myself the opportunity to find out. Though I know it does not make everyone comfortable that I have this “obsession” and that it will take me to far flung and sometimes dangerous or difficult places, they will simply have to get used to it because this is just “what I do” and plan to continue doing. They say when you do something you love, you will never work another day in your life. I would further that by saying some days might be difficult but it is true. So I plan to live, and love this way.