As I listen to the melody of this song that has been on repeat all day
I have a over flow of thoughts about conversations I recently held with people who -as I see it- have a very convoluted perspective of me. Voiced opinions that made me think of this here story I am about to tell.
Misunderstood seems like the correct word to use in this instance, I have tried to express my true self for a change, the real me as everyone who encourages growth would say, “reveal yourself after you find/know yourself”. I think I have figured it all out, who I am, what I want and how I plan on achieving it, BUT the more this “me” comes out to play the more the promoters of the “me” reject it. If I am too much for you, why did you push for me to come out my shell, my safe space, the place I decided to dwell in until I was ready to come out and share who I am, in my own time, but I heeded your request and sped up the process, because I am open minded you see, I like to try new things. The process has been nothing but beautiful, bruising, tender a whirlwind of emotions, challenges and experience, I would have got here eventually but the thrill of the chase of finding myself has been such a roller coaster ride, UP, Down, IN and OUT, Round About everything and everyone involved with me even in the slightest way.
You were never ready, you see you though it would take long while you adjusted yourself for my transformation, you were never ready to see a this fire butterfly, fly away so delicate, so soft so beautiful yet so fierce.
I am able to comfortable speak my mind in awareness of who is listening and chose to express my intelligence without shying away because it make you uncomfortable. I am able to act in a manner that represents my state of mind at any given time, not care who thinks what of it. I am able to carry out my daily duties as to my hearts desire, knowing very well that only I can get my self to the point where I need to be, I am aware that if I do nothing, then nothing will do the same for me. I am aware that people only like you while you are below their level and never want to uplift you or rejoice in your success and I am TOTALLY OK with not being liked because I do well.
I will not limit myself or hide my success because you feel I brag, wait a minute look at it this way, I am not even half way there (where I want to be) so as much as you have adjusted yourself for my transformation you better start preparing to hide your envy very well because this fire butterfly is about to take it a step further. I wish I could give you a little of my purity and share a little of my well deserved happiness but I cant because happiness comes from within, a life learnt lesson that I do regret learning.
So they say you lose a lot of friend as you grow and I though that would never happen to me because lets face it I am an awesome friend I am there when you need me, and so much more, so when I started experiencing all of this unforeseen change on that front it was as if I were hit by a truck and I was flung all the way to a Texan desert right in the middle of the most mature cactus and landed on my bottom and a little on my delicate bits.
While thinking I would never get up From there and pull out the thorns that have now scared in remembrance of the friends I have lost along this exciting journey of self discovery I can safely say that fear I once had to loose the few friend I held so close to my heard has been replaced by the wonder and excitement of meeting new ones that will walk with me until they purpose is served in my life and I in theirs.
The fun part though now is that I am happy and I work harder now than I ever did before, this somber melody of Adele’s song is the basis of this story titled the melody, my theme song however is and always will be Happy by Pharrell through it all, all the times I want to scream from frustration or the times I just sit and enjoy the breeze outside my beautiful patio, or the times I laugh so much my tummy hurts. Happy remains the song I wake up to every morning because I deserve it.
So to wrap this up I must say I have changed so much this past year that if anyone thinks they know me, they are talking utter nonsense. You may have an idea you know me, and I acknowledge the effort, but it will take a life time to figure me out, because hey its taken me a life to get to know me too. (“,)
Khanyi Kay Mokwena…