How to Survive Inside a Horror Movie…
You know, I never realized that a talent in this area could be useful…
I mean, anything can happen, right? And, by accident, you may find yourself thrust inside a horror movie…for real…stuff like this happens all the time…
So, I took a quiz, you see, to see if I could survive…
Yes, Yours Truly, B.J. Thompson, the “supposed” dark horse Queen of literary Murder & Mayhem, became the FIRST to die.
I didn’t mean to die right away, honest…but you know how it goes…just because you write on murder doesn’t mean you’d survive one yourself.
So, with that horrifyingly pathetic image still staining my brain my brain, I thought I should do my civic duty and give you, my good readers, the benefit of my vast experience in this vein…well, yes, my veins are void of blood thanks to that killer dude who got me…but even in death, B. J. Thompson can still Fight or Flight on in a literary sort of way…
Without further ado, I present to you my pointers on how to survive inside a horror movie. Take notes. There WILL be a test at the end of this article.
(Okay, there won’t be a test but you may want to carry my pointers around in your back pocket from now on, you know, just in case, for review, as very few killers purposely stab rear ends. Don’t, I beg of you, do NOT put said note in your breast pocket.)
IF you find yourself in a house that begins to whisper in a very low, raspy voice, “GETTTTTTTT OWWWWWT!” — Do NOT debate the issue with said house, nor analyze why you’re now having a relationship with an inanimate object, nor look for any hidden microphones around corners or inside darkened rooms, just GETTTTTT OWWWWWT! Seriously, dude. Leave.
IF you are a white female, with bleach-bottle blond hair and an extremely large set of knockers, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT find yourself in a horror movie whatsoever!
NOTHING will save you. You WILL be the first to go!
Your boobs WILL be exposed for all to see and then they will be covered in blood splatter from your head being lobbed off by that machete the killer dude was carrying, silently, behind you, since the start of the opening credits…sigh…(FYI: Ironically, I am not a blond and my knockers are nothing to write home about. I’m merely just a dumb-ass dead horror movie chick. Truth is hard to swallow, especially with your mouth severed from your oesophagus.)
IF before you find yourself in a horror movie, a disembodied voice asks you if you’d like a weapon and offers you your preferred choice, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT respond by saying, “What weapon?” — I did this, and well, I’m DEAD.
Personally, IF you are a Canadian, or a tree-hugger, or a tree-hugger Canadian, and especially NOT a card-carrying N.R.A. member, you, like the bleach-bottle blond above, just have no business being in a horror movie in the first place. Your Hippie Daisy-Chain, Kumbaya, Peace & Love freaky ideals will get you “offed” before the movie-goers open their Gummybears.
IF, while you’re inside the horror movie, you begin to hear eerie music, something akin to <<<this
Don’t stand there and think to yourself, “How do they make those screeching sounds anyhow? Isn’t that a base cello I hear? Damn, that musician is great with it ’cause I know how tough is it to learn to play the cello!”
Instead, run, don’t walk, to your nearest exit, and run away from and not towards the music’s origin. If the music is getting louder, you’re running the wrong way…
Do NOT scream when you hear this music as your yelps will drown it out, confusing you as to its location, making fleeing that much more difficult.
Oh, and by all means, do NOT wait for a pause in this music because, well, the silence you’re about to hear may be peppered with your own blood-letting screams from your veins being popped open by the killer because you ran right INTO him. Running away now will be a slippery, slimy exercise in futility…
IF others alongside you have survived up to this point, it’s definitely a good idea to take them along for the fleeing portion of the movie.
“Because you want to save them, too, right B. J. Thompson?”
Well, you know, that was my first instinct, and, of course, it’s another reason why I’m talking to you from my grave.
Answer: Nope. No way in fiery flippin’ Hell.
You take them along with you as bait for this maniac, that if by chance he catches up with you idiots (and you know he will…), all you’ll need to do is to trip the occasional petrified lackey beside ya, so he becomes the killer’s next “project”…better him than you, right?
IF by chance you manage to lay into this dude with what you think is a fatal blow, there is a definite Do and Don’t Decorum to follow;
- Don’t walk up to him and kick him to see if he can kick you back. You know most horror movie maniacs are like that pink bunny.
Unless you laid into him with a nuclear bomb, assume the dude is still breathing.
- If your weapon of choice was a handgun, Do empty the clip into his head and jump into your car and run over that head twice, just for good measure, or until you see his cranium crack and squish like so much Halloween pumpkin goo. Conservative as I am, yet in these situations, I believe there is never enough “over” in the word “overkill”.
- Don’t walk up to his body to lift up his hood or mask. Yeah, I know, we all want to know if the “Butler did it” but it might be the very last thing you’ll know for sure before you stop breathing.
- Upon fleeing after the flailing, Don’t take your leave of this dude by stepping over his body to do so. Baaaad idea. I’ve never seen a stepped-over-killer stay stepped over for long, and quite frankly, you may need your legs to escape, so having them chopped off at the knee with his machete as you have your back to him may be counter-productive.
- Don’t drop your weapon after using it. Yeah, I know, you’re disgusted with yourself for killing a living being but you’ll get over the guilt real soon when he attempts an encore run at your jugular…and he will…you KNOW he will.
- IF you’re a girl, Don’t start crying. I swear these horror movie killer dudes rejuvenate just from the scent of sissy-girl tears alone. I think they’re like some sort of killer hormone accelerate for maniacs, not to mention they make running through the dense forest, the one you KNOW you’ll eventually be in, pretty damn difficult.
- Do laugh an eerie, creepy laugh after you’ve annihilated him. Sure, in the end, it may not help you to survive but it might make you feel more empowered as you run screaming for your Mommy.
Pointer No# Last
IF you think the movie has ended and you feel like you’ve survived, think again.
You KNOW horror movies, and if they’re worth their weight in brain matter, they don’t end until at least murder attempt number three is made on the killer. Soooo, keep running…
Keep your weapon locked and loaded, and keep the tears at bay, at least until you see the production credits scroll up your blood splattered body.
It ain’t over ’til the hockey mask is sold on eBay…