Not since the Vermonth Maple Syrup Scare of ’52… have so many Americans looked North with envy.
Sure, Californians drink our water, American products are shipped up and down the St. Lawrence River, Washingtonians’ roofs are shingled with British Columbia lumber and Tim Horton’s donuts are secreted over the border on a daily basis, but Americans and Canadians always had a mutual understanding: America — the centre of the universe, Canada — quietly suffered sunburns being so close to said centre.
The love-fest, however tolerated by the Americans and strangely yearned for by the Canadians, would be more touchy-feely with a Democratic Prez in the Oval Office, to be sure, but even that sickeningly sweet Irish serenade by Mulroney and Reagan was looked on as a good thing, once the retching from embarrassed stomachs subsided.
Heck, we even managed to live rather U.S. refugee-free up here through Watergate, as Americans on the whole very rarely admitted they ever voted for Tricky Dick in the first place; alas, their greatness maintained and their patriotic furor still heard in the phrase, “I’m an AmeRRRican!”, hard on the R emphasis.
But something happened. Something bad. Something really…really bad.
Americans lost their way.
When their Money God got stingy, they got desperate, and lo and behold a King was born!
Not Don King. King Donald.
A very different animal from Don King.
All of a sudden, tremors were felt in Canada…a southern stampede of envious eyes looking north, which instigated Parliamentary talks here considering building a wall of our very own…a really, really BIG wall.
But, in the end, wall-building is just not our style. We like you guys. We see ourselves as your beer drinking buddy when all your other socio-geopolitical buddies say they’re busy and can’t go out and party with you.
We Canucks are always here for a good time with you money-and-power-lovin’ Americans.
We are your safe harbour in the icky storms you create.
And you are our braggart next door neighbour who makes us roll our eyes and giggle, but nonetheless who enjoys shaded security under your monolithic military umbrella.
If an American stampede occurs, so let it be. We have enough beer and maple syrup for that lot of you!
Oh, but a favour, please? Please don’t bring King Don with you. The last Prince you had that we liked was Jack Kennedy. We have Don on our Terrorist Watch list. Thank you.