I spent so much of my time trying to make myself smaller. I’m not talking about diet, I’m talking about space, air and breath. Because I feel the thoughts of the people around me that I take more than I need. I find myself holding my stomach and I realize it’s because I want people to think I’m pregnant so they can forgive my excess. I remember the first time I was in a play and someone called me a cow. Me. A human person. Who is Smart. Who is kind. Who is a Person. A cow. But I know it wasn’t the first time, it was just the first time I heard. I hated myself for not saying anything. But where is there a platform or space that says I am allowed to stand up for my fat body? That I can say that I am grateful for my legs, arms, my beating heart. I am grateful that the cancer that took my thyroid, left me my body. That I don’t hate it even though it changed and I am loving it into familiarity. That I am a survivor. I survived Cancer. I can survive You and Your Judgement. But in that moment I didn’t because I was afraid of the people around me. That they would defend this beautiful women for her ‘joke’ and berate me because they didn’t see me. They saw my size. My Excess.
I can defend us better today than yesterday because you embrace me and you embrace yourself. Thank you