A bud that grows inside
Some time ago
I was apprehensive, scared. Even a thought of having a child was scary. My fears would dance to thoughts such as one life would depend on you, your choices would shape one entire life, one decision gone wrong could make or break one innocent life etc. Being a ‘mother’ is mammoth responsibility and I thought that I certainly was far far away from the maturity level that the role demanded. More than anything else, I was anxious that pregnancy and a child would steal my freedom! How would me and my husband travel wherever and whenever we wanted? How would we go to movies anytime we wanted? How would I spent hours over coffee chatting with a friend? How would I eat anything I wanted? But I would never say all this outright. I would express my feelings under the garb that my life would turn upside down. I was scared that I would loose my importance, my ‘identity’ and would just be reduced to somebody’s mother. I just wasn’t ready to for the role.
Some point in time
Not sure exactly when, but these fears and anxieties receded. Had anything really changed? I Doubt. Had my maturity levels suddenly heightened? Definitely not. Had my fears found some solace and solid answers? Not really. Was I convinced that my life would not change? Never. Everything was more or less the same except for the fact that some how I had come to terms with my anxiety. I was aware and ready to bear all these costs that came with the decision of having a child. I wanted to be a mother.
Doctor prescribed the first sonogram to confirm pregnancy. When the sonogram happened I was 6 weeks into my pregnancy. The doctor pointed to a tiny little dot of approximately 4 mm on the screen, and told us that was the future baby. It was nothing but a dot then — a future human being in the making. This just 4 mm dot was already wearing me out, eating out my energy and making me fatigued. How could that tiny little dot do all that to me?
The Second Sonogram
It managed to keep me tired and sleepy throughout first three months. Then, at the end of third month, the second sonogram showed us that white dot of 4mm had grown into a tiny little baby with with its hands, legs, nose, spine, fingernails and toenails ready and in their right place. Its heart was beating and it was 6 cms then. The nature had created a fully functional human being out of that dot and now the nature was, still is, nurturing the baby inside.
As it goes on
The bud inside grows every day. It makes me tired. Makes me encounter things I never experienced in my life; a cramp that stays for a day, slowed down pace, difficulty in lying on my back for a long time etc etc. It has added good amount of kilograms to my weight and abundant fat to my body. Along with other things, it has given me the priceless moments of hearing the heart beats of the baby for the first time, feeling the flutters of the first movements in my belly. Of course I am not the only one or one of the few to have felt all this. This is not a unique experience. This happens with almost every other woman and when this happens, this happens in normal course of life.
This whole pregnancy affair leaves me with the feeling of being amused, awestruck and overwhelmed. The mother nature creates probably one of the most sophisticated systems without any external human intervention. A human life gets shaped on its own. It takes its own time. We humans have absolutely no control over it. This entire phenomenon is humbling. It is normal yet extraordinary, simple and ingenious the same time. This experience is fun, unparalleled and anything but scary.
Many times I looked for miracles and wondered if they happen. I simply ignored one of the greatest of the nature’s miracle just because it happens with everyone. And when it happened to me, I realized we take the greatest of the things for granted just because they are simple and everywhere around.