The jamie effect
Tonight at my creative writing class we did life writing. We were tasked with writing about three seperate events in our life that have one link. I chose my son as my link. Here is what I wrote.
The Jamie effect
The test had been negative but my gut told me it was wrong, nagged me to go and check before lighting another cigarette. I retrieved it from the bin and now there was a second pink line confirming that my instincts were correct. You existed.
You were smaller than a seed and I wouldn’t meet you for nine months but already you changed everything.
I threw my cigarettes away. Knowledge of your existence gave me the strength to do something I’d tried and failed to do for years.
I lay in a hospital bed. I had been drugged and cut open. I had lost too much blood. I needed to rest but I couldn’t switch off my brain. It had been rewired. Now it was a mum’s brain, designed to be on alert twenty-four hours a day, even when the body was sleeping.
How could I sleep when you lay beside me in your crib, Perfect, peaceful, precious, needing me to keep you safe and watch over you as you slept.
The day we met things stopped being about me.
My needs took a back seat and my world flipped on its axis and began to revolve around you.
Today I bought your 1st birthday card. I can’t believe it has been a year since we first met. For a year I have known your smile, your laugh and your love.
It has been a year and nine months since I found out you were coming into my life. A year and nine months since my transformation began.
Before I saw that second pink line I was a lazy, selfish problem drinker with a twenty a day smoking habit.
Today I work hard because I want you to be proud of me.
Today I am an ex-smoker because I want to be alive to see you grow.
Today I am an-ex drinker because your love and my duty as your mother gave me the power to finally end my problematic relationship with alcohol.
Today my every waking thought is for someone else, you.
Today I am your mum and I am eternally grateful for you and the strength you gave me and still give me every day.
Love always x