If you don’t care about your family, don’t ask them these six questions this evening

All families have two things in common. First, we’ll say we have nothing in common. No family thinks of themselves as normal. Every other family we know is normal…we’re freaks.

Of course when you stop to think about it, there’s no such thing as normal. There are the stereotypes we see in popular culture and maybe a vision put forward by certain special interest groups. But every family is different. We’re each our own tribe with a unique set of values, allegiances, rivalries and experiences.

Second, we all go through periods where we feel like everything is spiraling out of control. Day-to-day pressures can accumulate and it’s easy to vent steam on our nearest and dearest.

All families have their ups and downs

Kids are often sullen or withdrawn, act out at school or go through periods of disengaging with other children. Often these behaviors are part of a rite of passage, but sometimes they’re symptoms of something more serious.

Occasionally, children in families must cope with more serious events. Maybe someone close to the family passed away or one of the children is being bullied at school. Perhaps one parent is under incredible stress at work and is rarely home or another is struggling with depression.

These kinds of events have a scientific term. Adverse Childhood Experiences, or ACEs, happen to two thirds of the population and can have far-reaching, life-long consequences, sometimes leading to serious physical and mental health conditions.

Unfortunately, there’s no way of knowing what kind of event will lead to harmful outcomes. Some families are laid low by a series of seemingly innocuous events that come to a head. Others take the worst that life can throw at them without breaking stride.

What every parent wants to know is whether these events will cause long term damage to their family

We’ve established there’s no point in asking if our family is normal, but that’s not to say we should shrug our shoulders and trust in the capricious care of fate. Instead we should ask ourselves whether our family is extraordinary. And by that I mean taking care each and every day to make sure we function well as a unit.

There are various characteristics that are generally identified with a well-functioning family. These include support, love and caring for other family members. Providing security and a sense of belonging. Open communication, and making each person within the family feel important, valued, individual, respected and esteemed.

Step 1: Talk to each other!

The following six specific questions help you understand how well your family is likely to cope with the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Why not sit round a table this evening and go through them together as a group? At the very least you’ll learn something new about yourselves.

Start with the following:

1. Does your family laugh and have fun together?

2. Does your family have rules? Are they clearly understood and evenly applied, yet flexible enough to respond to change?

3. Are your expectations of each other reasonable, agreed together and generally fulfilled?

4. Do you each achieve most of your individual goals, and are your personal needs being met?

5. Does everyone have genuine respect for one another, demonstrating love, caring, trust, and concern, even when there are disagreements?

6. Are we each able to mature and change without anyone else getting upset or unhappy?

While most people will be pleasantly surprised at the level of mutual respect, support and understanding, it’s true you might not like everything you find out. The questions may reveal deep-seated frustrations, resentments and perceived injustices.

But here’s the important thing: that’s OK. You’ve started a conversation about them and are now ready to start dealing with them.

I’d love to hear what you think about these questions and what happened when you talked them through with your family. Also, do you think I’ve got it the wrong way around? That you are normal and it’s everyone else that’s crazy?

John Kerrigan is CEO and Founder of MyFampal, a technology company dedicated to improving family outcomes.

MyFampal has developed a service that helps parents take control of their family’s wellbeing. Think of it like an emotional fitness tracker for your family. We’d love you to try it out, for free.

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