When You Hate Yourself.
It’s Not Enough To Admit Your Flaws
Here is a non-comprehensive list of my flaws:
- I can be too loud
- I can suddenly be very quiet and make things awkward
- I selfishly overthink: call it introspection if you want, but I’m always obsessing about my well-being, productivity, appearance and likeability.
- I’m selfless to a fault; regardless of point 3, I genuinely care and give much of my time and energy to others, But it borders on forced martyrdom and sometimes creates inauthentic interactions.
- I can’t be vulnerable or fully authentic with anybody, to the point where I don’t know who I am.
- I’m a walking contradiction: compare points 1 and 2, or 3 and 4, if you want proof.
- I wallow, and I lack resilience. Then other times, I bounce back disturbingly quickly. See point 5 again.
- When I’m sad, I’m difficult to handle. When I’m happy, I glow — and only think about myself and how to maintain said happiness before I lose it.
- I am proud of the wrong things, I think? I am never proud of ‘achievements’, but I sometimes feel proud when I do something kind. Which I shouldn’t, because I don’t deserve a medal for being a decent human being.
- I’m self-deprecating. Painfully. See points 1 to 9. My list could go on, for far too long.
So I don’t hate myself. Not usually. I’m sure everyone has phases, often spurred by people or events, where they find it hard to like themselves. But as much as I obsess about my flaws, I find it difficult to enact change. Sure being loud sometimes is who I am and I’m not about to regulate my true self for the benefit of others. But we could all stand to make improvements that would benefit both ourselves and others (and thus our relationships). Do we do anything about them, though? Or do we just wallow and then forget, sleep, repeat? I know I’m guilty of that.
It’s tricky to find the balance between self-love and self-improvement, and for me at least, it’s easy to topple over the edge into self-hatred. I don’t think the internet culture of ‘i hate myself’ memes helps at all. These days I’m either disliking myself, or pretending I do to be ‘funny’ and ‘ironic’.
So I need to work on being better for others, but also be kinder to myself. I have a sort of game plan for this. Do you?
Step 1: Accept Your Flaws
But don’t get comfortable with them if they’re hurting others
What I do know is that self-hatred is not necessary for anyone. If you need to stay just as you are, self-acceptance is necessary on the road to self-love. But I also think self-acceptance is crucial for self-improvement. The tricky part is, after admitting your flaws as I have, and accepting that they’re a part of you … how do you go about changing them? How do you decide what are quirks, byproducts of trauma and minor irritants vs manipulative and terrible traits? And when you do start working on them… how far do you take it? And how can you tell you’ve improved without the input of someone else? Trouble is, I have supportive friends who never say a bad word about me. Bastards.
The key is not just admitting your flaws, but accepting that they need to change. This involves knowing that self-hatred will only hinder this process.
My Process
This is skippable, if you don’t care about my particular experiences.
There is a person in my life who I am terrified of becoming. This has made me determined not to be too comfortable with my flaws and privileges. I’ve learned along the way that pushing myself too hard (hating myself) only makes things worse.
I’ve been failing with flaw 5 for years. I try to be vulnerable but I just repress for months and then spew too much onto one person. I proceed to regret it and repeat the cycle.
I’m working on flaw 8: when I notice I’m happy, I try not to panic about holding onto it and try instead to use it for good. It’s working, I think? However, I’m still impossible for close ones to deal with when I’m sad. I’m despairing.
Which brings me to point 7: I still bounce back too quickly sometimes and don’t allow myself time to grieve or be vulnerable. But I’ve identified why: it’s because I use humour as a defence mechanism and care too much about returning to ‘likeable me’. Feels like every time I unpack a flaw, 3 more burst out! Or am I really being just too self-critical?
Resilience? I have good days and bad days, but the ratio is more equal than it used to be!
How To Accept Yourself:
As for self-deprecation? This article was an attempt get my flaws out in the open and what I hoped would happen, has done. If I had written this list a year ago I would have read it and thought, ‘Yep. I’m awful.’ But today, I wrote it as honestly as I could. Then I re-read them. Again and again. Until slowly I have deemed my list of 10 flaws… extremely harsh, bordering on just untrue. I actually feel a little defensive over myself! For the first time in my life, I feel insulted that I bully me so much. So relentlessly. And I think that means I have respect for myself.
Write out your flaws and imagine someone using these insults against your friend. Now pretend you are your friend.
Be careful with this. I learned the hard way, and it worked. But if you can have your learning curve without hating yourself, that would be great. Instead, try writing a list of things that are wonderful about you, things other people would envy. Either way: that’s step one complete, I think?
Now it’s time to work on them. You can’t work on your flaws if you hate them. You’ll just tie yourself up in knots and despair. So accept them and then move forward.
Ooh! Resilience — tick!
Of course it isn’t as simple as this short piece of writing makes out. It’s a lifelong journey with no destination. How to actually start working on them? That becomes clear to you when you accept yourself. Can’t write a one-size-fits-all article, I can only speak from my own experience!
You might need a completely different approach to what has helped me; some would benefit from some therapy. Self-hatred is dangerous: it can lead to self-harm and worse. So please, treat your personal situation as you need to.
But I personally think self-acceptance, without complacency, is key. Finding that balance takes some honest introspection, and it might take you a long time… but you’ll get there.
Ever feel like self-love is too much to ask? Aim for self-acceptance instead.
An extreme case, but this is someone who could have wallowed in self-hatred when they recognised their flaws, but instead chose to act on them:
This video pretty much summarises exactly how I have felt, at times, and might help you if you’ve ever thought you’re a manipulative person:
This is gross and uncomfortable to do but here is my cringy Youtube channel where, very rarely, when I have time, I upload videos about the same sort of topics you see on here. I usually do it because speaking is quicker than typing.
