Five signs you’re dating someone insecure
Dating isn’t easy nor is it for the faint of heart. The painstaking selfies in natural lighting that take sixty tries to look carefree. Uploading your best shots to the dating account that you’ve deleted and restored more times than you can count. Trying to pace text messages to coffee dates. Navigating the creeps and the crazies. It’s an adventure, and as my therapist reminds me.
The only way to get to know someone is to get to know them.
So every shortcut of mine has been completely ineffective. You can’t really life hack dating, you either have to be willing and ready to take the time to get to know someone (or a few someones’s that might narrow down to one person), or you’re not. No two ways about it.
When dating we are often faced with our own insecurities. Is our weight up or down? Does our butt look good in these jeans? Is he going to call? The more we like someone the more our insecurities seem to surface. The good news is that we have known ourselves long enough to manage our own shit. It’s other people’s shit that can sometimes feel unbearable.
Although we all have insecurities it’s important to avoid getting too heavily involved with anyone whose insecurities overshadow the dating phase.
Why? Quite simply it’s not fun, and you’ll more likely than not invest more time and energy than the relationship is worth. So here’s a short list to let you what to avoid.
1) He is constantly speaking about the past.
Happy people live in the present. Trying to compare you to some previous, nonexistent version of yourself is a long road to nowhere. You can’t build a future with someone who resides Back Down Memory Lane. It’s also a sign that they aren’t focused on the future, with you, most importantly. Unless you plan on getting a Hot Tub Time Machine for Christmas. Let it go. This past dweller probably has issues with the decisions he’s made is his life and will happily project them on to you instead of planning why you’re going to do for the holidays. If his focus is on what size you were in the 90s, which hairstyle looked better than your current one, or any of his lackluster past accomplishments, girl run!
2) He talks about his ex. All the damn time!
What’s weird is that a guy’s ex can look like a Pound Puppy and he will still somehow try to use her looks to undercut you, when he’s insecure. If not her looks, her car, her salary, status or something else that has absolutely nothing to do with you or your worth. First of all these guys need therapists. You have to pay a woman to listen to you talk about another woman, period. That’s not what how dating works. That’s not how any of this works. Besides being an indication of insecurity, this is a tell-tale sign that he’s not over his ex, which is baggage. It’s also boring. Since there’s little to no demand for boring guys with baggage, catch and release Sis. Throw him back out into the dating pool before you start to feel like his Shrink.
3) He only talks about himself.
Let’s face it. Some men can talk about themselves until the cows come home. They want you to lavish them with praise, listen intently to every minute detail about their day, although it’s only the second time you’ve gotten together. This usually means that he’s interested in holding court and less interested in reciprocity. Men like this leave you feeling drained, no matter how good they look on paper, they never seem to deliver. I call them Neck Bones. A lot of work for a little meat. If it’s the meaningful connection you’re after. This guy isn’t offering it. If you have no interest in getting your needs met, like dressing up or acting like a cheerleader, and/or have no thoughts or opinions of your own, it might work. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
4) He picks at you.
Now of course if I have spinach in my teeth I want my date to let me know. If I am walking around with a trail of toilet paper holler at your girl, but we were are NOT going to do is nitpick every detail of my life. This will make even the most confident of women insecure and it’s again the sign of an insecure man. If a man is secure in himself he won’t be looking for perfection in you. Perfection is the enemy of progress and this goes double in relationships. Any man who spends the bulk of our time together trying to “fix” me, has issues with himself and should be left alone to his devices. Keywords; Left and alone.
5) He is constantly apologizing for his shortcomings.
I dated a guy once who vacillated constantly between making jokes about how I’d probably never dated someone as broke as him, and then commending himself for working with children. We only made it on three dates because quite frankly he was annoying, as was his one-note conversation.
Most people aren’t rich. That’s a statistical fact. As a matter of fact, I’m not rich, and when I met him I wasn’t under the impression he was rich either. What I was hoping was that he was someone who was confident and fun. He turned out to be neither. He was insecure because he didn’t make much money and as a result, he wanted to bitch and moan about it constantly. Not on my watch buddy. Go drive Uber in your spare time. Crush cans, find a weekend job or a cash hustle, but we you’re not going to do is lament on woe is me every time we get together. This is insecurity at it’s finest. If someone is happy and fulfilled in what they do, and/or how much money they make they will be confident and find a way to date within their budget. A man who is not secure in his standing will actually test himself down in the hopes of lowering your expectations to match his own. Issa Trap. Run!!
No one is perfect, but most of us are trying to find someone who might just be perfect for us. Projected insecurities can delay us in finding meaningful connectivity. We can get caught up in projected insecurities that exacerbate our own, and a vicious cycle of not enjoying dating begins. Relationships are work and dating takes effort, but you shouldn’t feel like a Mississippi Sharecropper in the midday sun, working for someone’s love or affection. Leave the needy ones where you find them. There are billions are people on earth, chances are, you can do better.
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Nisa Ahmad is a Television Producer who enjoys growing tomatoes and herbs in her garden and making people laugh. www.nisaahmad.com
