The Healing Journey is Not a Game

A red heart shaped candle surrounded by green stones.

I didn’t have a plan B when I quit the job that was soul sucking my life away. I just didn’t have a choice. I wanted change but I wasn’t ready to change. It didn’t matter whether I was ready or not, I had to go with the flow of the Universe because she knows best and she had already chose for me.

The same thing that I warn people of, that the healing journey is not one to be taken lightly, is the same thing tripping me up right now. You never know where this journey will take you. You have to be open minded and open hearted to any and all possibilities. If there’s one thing I want to teach it is that. Often when we don’t leave our comfort zones willingly, we are forcibly removed from them in a painful and surprising way. Regardless of who you are and where you’re at, you have to take that L with grace and dignity.

Spiritual expansion is the goal. Not worldy expansion and acquisition of material wealth and comfort. Although that is a nice reward and desired outcome. Spiritual self development doesn’t always look pleasant and pretty and like something someone would want to do. You have to go through the painstaking work of peeling back the veils of illusion in search of personal truth for yourself. It’s a solo journey. It doesn’t always make sense to others. With unprecedented soul journeying comes relative depths within oneself that no one else can describe, no one else can claim to understand, and no one else can advise us open. We are the only ones in there, and we are the only ones with whom we can consult about our inner depths.

It’s a communal journey. The amazing thing about openly and honestly sharing with ourselves and others about what we think and feel, is that it automatically attracts people to us who match with our vibration, and it automatically repels people who don’t. The part of this that causes pain, is when we have emotional or familial attachments to people who’s vibration doesn’t resonate with ours, then it hurts when they are naturally pulled away. But there can be no other way.

Self love is not a game. No one ever teaches us these things. We live in a capitalist society that only encourages self love as a marketing ploy. To actually really love yourself is a radical action and it hurts sometimes. When I feel my self love slipping away, or question whether or not I ever had it in the first place, I use my spiritual solutions to stay centered in myself, rooted in my reality, and stable in my boundaries. I chant, I meditate, I visualize, I use herbal medicine, I balance my chakras. I’ve been able to heal from sexual trauma and domestic violence related PTSD, from a chronic autoimmune illness called interstitial cystitis, from depression, bipolar and anxiety, by using spiritual and holistic methods. I use natural medicine including the medicine made with my own body through the release of chemicals during yoga and movement.

I know I’m not the only one who needs these spiritual solutions for healing. I never cease to be amazed by the power they have. I feel the happiest and most fulfilled, most living in my purpose, when I can share these solutions with others and see their impact.

When I did my first detox in 2011, I didn’t know how it would go and I didn’t want to fail in front of people so I kept it to myself, even though my nature is to always teach and share. That was only 5 years ago, and I’m not afraid of failing in front of people anymore. I’m not afraid to bare my shame. Since then I’ve come out as a rape survivor, as a former sex worker, as a person experiencing homelessness and poverty, as a person with mental illness, cognitive disabilities and chronic illness, and I’ll continue stripping the layers of shame until I’m whole again. 5 years into the healing journey, everything has changed in terms of what matters to me and what doesn’t. Riding out the lessons I’ve learned has stripped off every part of me still clinging to perfection. For those who feel like they have somewhere further inside of themselves they want to go, I can safely say I have a few points of guidance to share.

Sometimes being so open about my experiences leaves me feeling exposed, but I find my strength in that vulnerability, knowing I’m a leader because I’m not afraid to go first.