To my younger self…
I’m so sorry.
There’s a lot of “should have’s” in my life and I was so harsh on you back then for doing the best that you/me/we could. We survived. Simple as that, we survived.
The battle eventually ends, and all the skills you learned during the years do not serve you anymore. You’ll be a shell of yourself for a long time. It’ll be hard, reaching the medium between isolating yourself to heal and letting people who care enough in, but I trust that we will find it someday.
You’ll avoid sleeping on your back because that only guarantees unwanted dreams. We aren’t the quickest learners but the days of peaceful sleep will come again soon.
One thing that’s the hardest to learn: while you want to pick up were you left off during your survival with your friends now that you are in a Safe Place and no one will restrict your movements anymore, your friends have grown along with their needs. They have found other people that match where they are in life. Do not blame yourself if you feel out of place. People are inherently disappointing and maybe one day we too will find people capable of loving us.