Thoughts — Part l

No, I’m not crazy.

Don’t speak too loud!

Stop breathing so deeply, she’s gonna think you’re gonna pass out!

Stop looking back and forth, keep your attention on her!

Jesus, you’re worthless

Why are you even here?

What are you trying to prove?

Who do you think you are?

“Levi?”

“Mr. Montgomery?”

“Yes! Hello, what were you saying?”

“I asked you how your day was, the session just began and you’ve already dozed off into some other universe.”

It’s 2:30pm, Monday afternoon.

Why I chose a Monday to speak to a therapist about myself for what is now fifty-five minutes, forty-two seconds and counting is beyond my comprehension.

Maybe I don’t think a lot of things through, well, I think about a lot of things. Thoroughly? Maybe not, but there’s always some motive.

What would I be doing right now anyway?

I’m home, there’s leftovers in the fridge, I am sort of hungry, though my bed is extremely comfortable right now, more then usual.

I’m sinking, what were the effects of those pills Lisa gave me today?

“On the house today Levi, yesterday was incredible you deserve something special.”

Maybe I shouldn’t be sleeping with my connections.

I really should eat those leftovers.

My sheets feel like quicksand, I’m suffocating, did I go to the pool today?

I don’t even know how to swim, how am I still afloat?

Okay quick, grab hold to something, search your surroundings, find a post, find some-

“Mr. Montgomery!”

“Sorry! It was like any other day, dull and obsolete.”

“Levi, you’re going back and forth between our conversation and whatever daydreams you’re having. We need to get to the bottom of this today, you’ve been here for three months and we’ve made little to no progress.”

“You still fail to tell me about her, do you remember who I’m referring to?”

She continues to bring you up, you’re safe don’t worry. I know you’d get overwhelmed, anxious even.

You’re not ready for commitment I understand.

You’re the only one that makes me happy though, you know that right?

One day you’ll talk to me, just right now isn’t the best time.

“She’s just a girl that I knew, nothing more.”

“Last week you wouldn’t stop saying her name, Levi, you need to confront these things head on. Tell me about her, what is she like? What does she do?”

Fifteen minutes, twenty seven seconds.

Maybe I can fall back into quicksand, though I’m not in the most comfortable position.

“Levi?”

“How was your day?”

“Levi, please don’t change the subject.”

“I can see it was another false attempt to speak to your husband by the way you fumble with your wedding ring.”

A blank stare

“You come in every morning, 8am, keep the tissue boxes filled though your heart is completely empty. By the end of the day, 9pm, the box is parallel to your marriage. Empty.”

These walls are closing in a lot faster then usual.

“Tell me why you continue to belittle yourself with false hope by trying to help me and the rest of your patients, when you can’t even help yourself?”

Five minutes, thirteen seconds.

“Thank you for coming in today Mr. Montgomery, we’ll meet again next Monday at 2:30pm”

Maybe I miscounted, or she’s heard enough of the truth.

No, I’m not crazy.

Just have a lot on my mind.