I Enjoy the Company of Robots

Worlds Fairs really did us zero favors. Same goes for Epcot Center. It’s tough to have a really well produced future presented with a Michael Jackson soundtrack and not expect us to expect said future to be here. So rather than long for a future of molecular portals and a hopefully benevolent SkyNet, I want to appreciate the robots we have now.

I’m a member of BzzAgent, which is a very cool site that allows users to try products at a significant discount or even for free. All they ask is that I speak honestly about those products. I’ve tested booze, sausages and robots in the past year. BuzzAgent knows me better than people I consider close friends (Karen).

So I got an invitation to test the Roomba 870. It’s a robotic vacuum the width of a Frisbee and the height of a cheesecake. It’s basically a cheesecake that cleans carpets and floors.

Here’s why all vacuums have been terrible until recently. They use those brushes, which are great for picking up dirt, but also tremendous at crafting knots to hold a cruise ship in port.

At some point, someone, and I truly don’t care who, realized that silicone (or rubber — no idea how things are built) rollers would pick up more dirt and not tangle from pet hair, human hair, corn husks or generic brand dental floss.

I got rid of my Dyson. I found it to be as pretentious as the commercials. Got a Hoover for under a hundred dollars that has silicone rollers. No idea what model, but it says CLEANS PET HAIR in huge letters on the box. Respect simple packaging.

But there are times, mostly days, nights and holidays, when I don’t want to vacuum. In a house with an average-haired male, long-haired woman and shedding dog, there’s gonna be a lot of general debris. We have carpets and floors, if that matters. For robotic vacuums, that’s pretty much their Heptathlon.

So the Roomba 870 fills a nice void. From a lazy person’s perspective, after very few uses the appeal of pushing a single button with my toe versus the whole standard vacuum routine frees me up for any number of activities. I enjoy discussing the possibility of accomplishing.

I had an earlier model Roomba several years ago. It worked well, but at that time I was a dog hoarder before it was “worth putting on television.” So really no vacuum or system of vacuums would have made a difference. They were great dogs, though. Shelter dogs that I have no regret overwhelming myself with.

The Roomba 870 is a whole different deal. Push the button, it goes around wherever you want it to and goes back to it’s charging base when it’s done. And it’s real easy to clean. That was my hangup before buying it. The bin pops off with an easy latch and opens right into your trash. The filter has a separate compartment where it pops out and you can knock the dust also into the trash.

The rollers don’t tangle. Silicone, man. What can’t it do? So cleaning it takes about a minute for a standard run compared to a whole other production back in the day of brush rollers. Amazing humanity made it through that period. Hoobastank almost brought the whole thing down.

It won’t replace your regular vacuum. I want it too so much, though. We’ll get there. iRobot is a pretty cool company. As far as useful, well-designed robots. they've got it down. Their robots do one thing and usually do it very well. Also, they make a lot of robots for the military and police departments, so there’s a good chance their robots are out there protecting us and we don’t even know it. And hey, deep down I've wanted to add “beta tester, robots preferred” to my Tinder profile. It needs something, apparently. (I really do hate you, Karen).

I’m bought in on robots. I welcome them into my home and accept their presence in my work. I never want them to replace our jobs, but I think surface cleaning of our living spaces — especially the edges of rooms and under tables where standard vacuums only dare us to go — is something we’d be willing to hand off.

If you try it out, let me know how it goes. I’m always down to chat robots and respect all (but one person’s) opinion. I know a robot vacuum is a pricey, frivolous thing. And it can be tough to sell to a spouse or domestic partner that simply does not get it. But it’s good at the thing it’s supposed to do, and also fun to watch. It also doesn’t hurt to get in good with the robots now. Just in case.