I’m Bringing New People to the Racetrack, For Science

As we in the recluse community like to say (I assume, having not attended any of the meetings) “it’s terrifying out there.” But I’ve always considered the racetrack an isthmus of serenity. I typically run into my friends there and steal their picks for financial gain. This is one of the nuances of maintaining complicated friendships.

But I can do more. I can take my ambassadorship for the game further. So next Saturday I will be bringing two people to Saratoga that have never been to the racetrack before. Having completed high school science twice — once during the summer under unrealistic expectations — I feel that I have a solid grasp of running an experiment to determine how the next generation of potential fans experience the races.

As with any study that will be subject to peer review, one of the participants will be the control group. I’m not sure what that will entail yet, but they will be clearly identified by a sandwich board that reads “control.” I hope that will lead to interactions that will serve the racing fan science community for years to come.

I will also maintain strict confidentiality of the participants. Real names will be protected, so lets call them Spaul and Spacey. They represent an accurate and diverse cross section of society, pulled from the sub demographic pool of people that respond to my texts and have cars.

The inquisitive nature and eagerness of the participants has already been demonstrated. This morning I received no fewer than three messages saying “it’s next Saturday?” and “can I wear sweats?”

I was hoping they would get to experience the return of Wise Dan, to add a historical element to the experiment. It’s probably just as well. I am no position to explain colic.

So please, when you see my study participants at Saratoga next Saturday, act as you normally would. Authenticity is key. They are being closely monitored, so please do not feed them. Also, I promised them Shake Shack so I don’t want their appetites spoiled.

However, by all means help them handicap, but please don’t attempt to explain anything that happened in racing prior to 2014. These guys have the attention span of gnats.